I am convinced

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present

nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38-39

How fickle and moody creatures are we that we would search around aimlessly in this world for a happiness that is already assured?  How insecure, selfish and vain am I that I continually pine for the love and acceptance of others when the Creator of the Universe loves me personally, unconditionally and calls me by name through my baptism?  How fleeting and shallow are our emotions that things like work, responsibility and stress define our reactions toward each other?



(Image via Berthe Morisot.org)

I often struggle with "letting life in."  I take the minuscule, day to day stresses into my palms and cradle them close to my heart, showing my teeth to anyone who dares say I am not tormented.  Who are they to know the depths of my pain?  How could they possibly sympathize with what I'M feeling?

But then I sit back and realize that I am a tiny speck in the enormity of time.  I am one of a million who have shared the same pains, torments, intimacies, joys, laughs, loves.  They have cried the same tears, barked the same harsh words, caressed their loved ones with the same gentle touch.  They have struggled against the same vices, freely handed over the same parts of themselves, and fought the same battles to regain the pieces.  They have been tied down by the same sins, over and over and over again.  Reminded daily, just as I am, of the same inadequacies, failures, regrets. 

They have a gift that is freely offered to them daily, just as I do.  A gift that does not only give, but rather takes away, washes clean, redeems and wipes clear the slate of our past, present and future.  I am a creature so inadequate in my own abilities to even remain sane some days it seems.  But I am also a child who is loved by One who's love is so powerful and complete that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from it and this gives me much hope.

Have a wonderful week!

Pieces

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

I have loved, I have hated, I have been broken, and broken those around me.  Little pieces of myself chipped off and handed over.  These empty parts of me, little crevices that once contained pieces of my soul have healed.  They have grown over and hardened.  But much like the scar tissue of a past injury, they still sear with pain unexpectedly.  A memory, familiar surrounding, situation, will cause them to scream out and remind me of where they came from, of who gave them to me. 



I used to think that to be truly past something or someone we must become unfeeling towards them, rid ourselves of any connection to them and soldier on into the future.  But these irritating little scars, painful reminders of a love lost will always pull me back, for a moment.

I made myself vulernable and allowed love in.  A love that chipped off the little pieces of me and allowed them to scar over.  A love that left me confused, irrational, insecure.  But a love nonetheless.  Was it worth it?  I don't think I'll ever be able to fully answer that question.

To love is to be vulnerable. 

Happy 4th of July

I hope yours was spent celebrating our freedom with the ones you love :)