Full tummy, quiet mind

Aaaah the end to another successful day! By successful I mean I didn't cry, call the ex or rip anyone's head off and lay my eggs in their neck. In all seriousness though, I was able to get some work done, spent time with some wonderful children (Sac Area Emergency Housing Center...check it out) and had some goood food with fantastic friends. Now I'm plugged into Adele making my way home to my hobbit hole via the bus (I'm lessening my carbon footprint :p). Oh! And I got to have lunch with an old friend from college. It's only been a couple of weeks since "the incident" (complete and utter meltdown over the ex) but I feel that I am getting stronger and stronger and saner and saner each day.

So...I promised to share the details of my online dating adventure. In keeping with this promise I received a few emails or what "the site" (we shall refer to E-Harmony as such to keep the bile from rising into my throat) calls communications. And...I actually responded, which is a huge step for me. My normal approach to dating includes keeping my head down when walking, avoiding eye contact and running away when approached. This may explain my affinity with Sh*thead (see previous post). He was one of the few brave souls who actually had the gall to approach such an awkward duck. Anyway we shall see how it goes. There is one strapping young lad who works as a missionary, with a nice face and a head full of dark locks...I've got my eye on him, but don't be silly enough to think I'll actually make the first move. Even if the move is as small as sending over some follow-up questions (I still don't understand this whole matching thing).

As Adele so brilliantly puts it...."when night comes and I'm on my own, you should know I chose to be alone." Oh Adele how I love thee! Let me count the ways!

Oh Lord give me faith!

...to accept the thing I cannot change courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot tell you how many times those words have gone through my head the past few weeks, nay, years! I suppose I should begin (this being my first post and all) at the beginning and shed a little light on why on Earth I, a person physically and morally disinclined to talk about feelings, much less vomit my heart and soul out onto a public blog decided to do the unspeakable.....start. a. blog. Yuck!

Well...here goes it. It began on a sunny afternoon in public speaking 101, my freshman year of college. I was minding my own business, trying my darndest to look somber and apathetic, with my black ribbon necklace, gauged ears and platinum blond bob (all long since retired) when in walks the worst/best thing that ever happened to me...for anonymity sake we'll call him Sh*thead. I'll save you the boring sob story and cut to the end....boy meets girl, boy and girl fall deeply, passionately and inconveniently in love, boy rips girls heart out, girl rips boys heart out, girl becomes Lutheran, boy stays Mormon, girl refuses to ever raise her children Mormon (no they dont exist yet but I still worry about their well being) and on and on, break ups ensue over and over....7 years later and HERE WE ARE! All caught up are we? Good.

Any who....needless to say I'm obviously not over the whole thing...stop calling me bitter. I never realized just how deeply one could hate someone while loving them enough to want to die all at the same time. Quite a contradiction if you ask me. He was my worst enemy and my most trusted ally. He was my home, my safe haven, my comfort and my reason for breathing. I know, I know it all sounds very blasphemous but the heart wants what the heart wants. My heart just happens to want a stubborn Mormon. But I digress....

So! Why all this now? Why the blog, why the mourning over a lost relationship that was such an obvious disaster from the get go? Well, here is where the "belly of the fish" comes in. After much heartache, crying, Tylenol PM and wine, I finally decided to stop being so dang pathetic and break open my Bible and daily devotion. And THAT is where I found my answer, the reason for the torture, the meaning behind all sacrifice, pain and anguish.....I AM IN THE BELLY OF THE FISH! Before you think I'm some crazy bag lady let me explain. Even in our darkest hour, when we feel that the only things left in this life are solitude and heartache, God swoops in and reminds us that He indeed is taking care of us still. You see just as Jonah was rescued from the drowning waters of the sea and plopped into a stinky fish belly (not my quote..read Jonah 2 for more explanation) so have I been rescued from a fate much worse than my present state and plopped into stinky "no Sh*thead land" where things are less than appealing. BUT! I know the Lord is looking out for me, caring for me and teaching me patience while he prepares something (perhaps someone...stay tuned for that) that is far better than I could prepare for myself. And though this does not erase all the sleepless nights, dry all the tears nor completely restore my sanity, it does give me MUCH hope.

So....here I go again off into the deep blue yonder...err...dark stinky fish belly to embrace the life the Lord has prepared for me. We shall see how it goes.

P.S. I signed up for E-Harmony...stop judging me.... and plan on fully disclosing all the embarrassingly awkward details. Good night!