Need

So I should be studying but I've been meaning to write a post and have been putting it off for far too long.

I am currently rereading "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis and had an epiphany the other night regarding the issue of need.  A few months back someone had said to me that we cannot truly love God through our need for Him.  That if we are to know Him honestly and appreciate His glory, mercy and strength we need to love Him for Him.  Not for the things He provides for us or the pity He has on our wretchedness.  This is easier said than done as we are obviously sinful creatures who literally would not exist without Him and are damned to hell (to say it bluntly) without His mercy, grace and the sacrifice that He made for us on Calvary.  But it is an interesting concept to explore; to love someone truly for them and not for the things, whether they be physical, spiritual, or emotional, that they provide.  Though I know I will never fully love God for God, for I am far too steeped in my sinful nature, selfish and ever falling backwards after stepping forwards, climbing uphill in my sanctification, it is something I must consider in both my relationship with God and those around me.

Source: google.com via Laura on Pinterest

I think the easiest way to share my thoughts on need and human relationships is to share an email I wrote to B the other day. {I do this to him from time to time, poor man.  I freak out, write him a page long email, spewing all my thoughts of the moment at him and then go back to normal.  *Sigh* He's so patient, God bless him.}

"You’re going to think I’m crazy…well, you probably already do haha.  But, as you may know, I am a bit of a co-dependent.  A while back some had mentioned that we can’t truly love God if we love Him out of need.  If we need Him, the majority of our love stems from that need and we don’t love Him solely for who He is.  Well I think it works the same in human relationships.  You can’t truly love someone if you need them.  For example: I need water, therefore I have a tendency to take it for granted until I no longer have it.  It is only then that I recognize the importance of water.  So, I never truly loved water, I just needed.  I didn’t take the time to recognize how wonderful it was because I took it for granted.  Similarly with God, I don’t usually realize His significance until I “need” Him. 

I think my co-dependent tendencies have been taking a toll on our relationship lately.  I put so much emphasis on how our relationship is functioning (are we spending enough time together, are you treating me how I think I deserve to be treated, are we headed down the correct path towards marriage, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah).  So much of who I am gets wrapped up in the health of our relationship, what you think of me and where we are going that I can’t just love you for you.  I have spent so much of my life worried about what others think of me, vying for approval and trying to be perfect and perform how I think others want me to.  I’m so sick of it and it has done me such a disservice. 

Then there’s you.  You frustrate the hell out of me because you don’t need me.  You love me because you choose to, not because you need to.  Before it would drive me crazy because I would wonder why you didn’t seek my approval, but I am starting to appreciate it.  You started dating because you thought that’s what God wanted you to do.  Not because you needed a companion.  I trust your love so much more because it is not wound up in your own self-worth.  I have learned so much over the past year….SO MUCH!  And I am still learning.  I love you so much and I am hoping someday I won’t need you as much as you don’t need me :) haha

That’s all.  For now…"

It does make one wonder, if I didn't need God, if all was fine and rosy, if life seemed a joyful stroll down the street, a string of "things going my way," a path towards success and "happiness," what would He be to me then? Would He still my love, my God, my refuge, my reassurance? Would He be nothing but a nuisance because my self assurance lay in something or someone else?  When I have not been trampled on, disappointed, let down, when I have not failed myself and others, been hurt or damaged, I am easy to let His voice become faint.  For this I am sad, it is painful to think that I do this to One that I love, One who loves me despite my constant failures.  I like to think that I would love God even if I did not need Him but all I can do is pray to Him, to lean on Him in all times, good and bad, easy and difficult.  For He is love and mercy, righteousness and peace, strength and courage, and all things good that lie in me.  I think I could love Him even if I didn't need Him but you know, it doesn't really matter because I know for sure that He loves me even though He's never needed me and this gives me much hope.

Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble but I needed to get it out there...so there :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Pain continued...

I just stumbled across this poem while looking up another Kahlil Gibran poem on children.  Perfect timing for my previous post. :)

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Pain

"[Pain] removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul."

~ "The Problem of Pain" by CS Lewis

Someone recently said to me that we only grow through pain and difficulty.  Sadly, I have to agree with this comment especially since I have been particularly uninspired lately and shockingly haven't had too many challenges.  At first I thought that I had just gotten a handle on things but I've slowly come to realize that I was just ignoring the problems.  Hunkering down into my little world, away from trouble, responsibility, and accountability.  Now, while this lack of difficulty doesn't immediately seem like a negative I do see how it could become a problem...staying in this "little box of boring" as my best friend would say.  How can we grow if we do not challenge ourselves?  How can we move forward, improve, understand better if we never face conflict, hardship or pain?

Photo via me :)

I often wish that I could don rose colored glasses day after day, only seeing the beauty and joy in the world and avoiding the darkness, doubt and insecurity.  But pain reminds us of our shortcomings, inabilities and our need for God.  Often like the pain from an intense workout, lifting, stretching, pulling and tearing our muscles so that they can repair themselves and grow stronger.  This is how I see pain.  It can often seem like a never ending tunnel, an uphill trek or endless swim, but it does come to an end, eventually.  And when I resurface from the deep or reach the top of the hill I feel renewed and strengthened, ready to face the next battle, even beginning to welcome it.  Christ walked the long road with us, bearing not only the burden of our sins but also the knowledge of the pain he was about to endure....being nailed to the cross.  But he endured it nonetheless, welcomed it, because he knew it would bring about victory.  Why then should I hide from the pain?  Why then should I not embrace it, bear down and endure it?  I will let it shove me to my knees so that I may look up to God to pull me up.  And I will even more rejoice in the joys and happiness of this life and learn from the trials and tribulations because of it.