Burdens

"Stir up your trust in His infinite goodness and honor Him by leaving, in his hands, the care of your persons.

Be not troubled about the present or disquieted about the future, but be concerned only about the moment you must now live.

Do not let anticipation of tomorrow be a burden on the day that is passing.

What you lack in the evening the morrow will bring you, if you know how to hope in God.”

-St. John Baptiste De La Salle

I have been so remis in my posting lately.  It seems work, school, wedding, getting the house ready and 234215 other things have completely taken a hold of my life and attention.  It has left little time for the things in life that truly matter....relationships.  I am hard pressed to find time for my family and friends and most importantly God.  I am so distracted by planning for the future that I take little time to enjoy today and all the blessings it holds.  I have stopped taking time to sit and talk with God, to read His Word and meditate on the meaning of it.  I vowed to not let this hectic season of my life and all the changes that come with it completely overwhelm me and take my eyes off of what really matters but it seems I have fallen into the very trap I tried so hard to avoid.  Its time to take a moment, step back, and place my hope once more in the Lord.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Waste Not Want Not

I always imagined that I would have a husband who would make enough for me to stay home.  That I would be able to buy a house after college, travel as I wanted, have a job I enjoyed, and plenty of free time.  That I would know what I wanted to do with my life and would be doing it....at least before 30!  But life has a way of throwing a big fat stick into your spokes and sends you headlong into a future that looks quite different from what you had originally imagined.  I look at the path before me now and see a family that will start well past 30, a house, perhaps, in my distant future, a future husband who may not make enough to keep me at home all the time, less travel, and more work.

Neither had I imagined however, the unexpected blessings that would envelope me in my late 20's.  The richness of the relationships that I would have in my life, that I would laugh nearly as much as I loved with my future husband, that my best friend would sit across the hallway from me at work and we would giggle daily at the stupid messages sent back and forth, that I would see, first hand, the work God would do in my life.  That my cup would runneth over despite all that I lacked in the world's eyes.

I look into my future and I just can't wait to "struggle" a bit by the world's definition because by mine, I have already succeeded. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Easy Rider

Have you ever had that moment when you realize you're a spoiled brat?  Haha.  Seriously though?  That moment when you realize that in all your life you've not met a single challenge that truly defined you, your faith, your strength or your fortitude?  A moment when you had to consider what your life was all about, how you had lived thus far and if it had been enough?  I'll admit, in my 26 years I have yet to have this moment.  And if I'm to be completely honest, I hope I never do.  Even the thought of it sends chills down my spine.  Would I be as strong as I think I am?  Would I have faith enough in God to get through it?  Or would I running crying and screaming in the other direction as fast as possible or fall into a weepy puddle unable to bear it.  The more I get to know myself the more I believe the latter to be true.  As sad as it is.

The picture below is what sparked my thoughts on this matter.  That and that fact that I have been challenged more than ever by trying to juggle work, Chem, and life (sad isn't it?).  I struggle to manage my time while the child below struggles to survive.  I woefully attempt to earn my second degree when this child will likely never attend school much less make it to adulthood.  I rack my brain for ways to make my life and career "more meaningful" while this child likely begs and pleads for a meal.  And yet many who have nothing have a faith and understanding of God that far surpasses ours.  What is this life we have created in the modern world?  One where our "challenges" consist of managing the stress induced by juggling our blessings? 

 

(Image via World Press)

In C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" he writes about facing challenges and the faith it produces after the death of his wife.  A man who many regard as a spiritual leader, vastly insightful on the subject of God and faith, with a firm foundation in the Gospel describes his faith as a house of cards.  If a man such as this describes his faith this way....what does that make mine?

"I already knew that these things, and worse, happened daily. I would have said that I had taken them into account.  I had been warned - I warned myself - not to reckon on worldly happiness.  We were even promised sufferings.  They were part of the programme.  We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accepted it.  I've got nothing that I had bargained for.  Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination.  Yes; but should it, for a sane man, make quite such a difference as this? No. And it wouldn't for a man whose faith had been real faith and whose concern for others people's sorrows had been real concern.  The case is too plain.  If my house has collapsed at one blow, that is because is was a house of cards... It has been an imaginary faith playing with innocuous counters labelled 'Illness,' 'Pain,' 'Death,' and 'Loneliness.'  I thought I had trusted the rope until it mattered to me whether it would bear me.  Now it matters, and I find I didn't... And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are not playing for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world.  Nothing less will shake a man...out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs.  He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses.  Only torture will bring out the truth.  Only under torture does he discover himself." 


I will probably never know the depths of my faith until I know true sorrow, pain, and torture.  I pray that it will never come to this for me; to see that my faith is indeed a house of cards, that my "confidence" is set on sinking sand and not the solid rock of Christ, that I am only as strong as my God and nothing else will get me through this world.  I have been challenged more in the past year than anytime in my short life so far and it has shown me the depths of my faith.  I wade out into the shallow water and begin to flounder.  I have yet to be thrown into the deep end of life, into real troubles, sorrows, challenges.  I pray to God that I will be smart enough to grab on to His life preserver and not keep hold of my own stubbornness, making my way to shore unprotected and alone.  But....

"....I must surely admit that, if my house was a house of cards, the sooner it was knocked down the better." 

My prayer today will be for gratitude, patience, faith and compassion for these are the things that will get me through life's challenges, come as they may.  

Have a lovely week!

Need

So I should be studying but I've been meaning to write a post and have been putting it off for far too long.

I am currently rereading "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis and had an epiphany the other night regarding the issue of need.  A few months back someone had said to me that we cannot truly love God through our need for Him.  That if we are to know Him honestly and appreciate His glory, mercy and strength we need to love Him for Him.  Not for the things He provides for us or the pity He has on our wretchedness.  This is easier said than done as we are obviously sinful creatures who literally would not exist without Him and are damned to hell (to say it bluntly) without His mercy, grace and the sacrifice that He made for us on Calvary.  But it is an interesting concept to explore; to love someone truly for them and not for the things, whether they be physical, spiritual, or emotional, that they provide.  Though I know I will never fully love God for God, for I am far too steeped in my sinful nature, selfish and ever falling backwards after stepping forwards, climbing uphill in my sanctification, it is something I must consider in both my relationship with God and those around me.

Source: google.com via Laura on Pinterest

I think the easiest way to share my thoughts on need and human relationships is to share an email I wrote to B the other day. {I do this to him from time to time, poor man.  I freak out, write him a page long email, spewing all my thoughts of the moment at him and then go back to normal.  *Sigh* He's so patient, God bless him.}

"You’re going to think I’m crazy…well, you probably already do haha.  But, as you may know, I am a bit of a co-dependent.  A while back some had mentioned that we can’t truly love God if we love Him out of need.  If we need Him, the majority of our love stems from that need and we don’t love Him solely for who He is.  Well I think it works the same in human relationships.  You can’t truly love someone if you need them.  For example: I need water, therefore I have a tendency to take it for granted until I no longer have it.  It is only then that I recognize the importance of water.  So, I never truly loved water, I just needed.  I didn’t take the time to recognize how wonderful it was because I took it for granted.  Similarly with God, I don’t usually realize His significance until I “need” Him. 

I think my co-dependent tendencies have been taking a toll on our relationship lately.  I put so much emphasis on how our relationship is functioning (are we spending enough time together, are you treating me how I think I deserve to be treated, are we headed down the correct path towards marriage, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah).  So much of who I am gets wrapped up in the health of our relationship, what you think of me and where we are going that I can’t just love you for you.  I have spent so much of my life worried about what others think of me, vying for approval and trying to be perfect and perform how I think others want me to.  I’m so sick of it and it has done me such a disservice. 

Then there’s you.  You frustrate the hell out of me because you don’t need me.  You love me because you choose to, not because you need to.  Before it would drive me crazy because I would wonder why you didn’t seek my approval, but I am starting to appreciate it.  You started dating because you thought that’s what God wanted you to do.  Not because you needed a companion.  I trust your love so much more because it is not wound up in your own self-worth.  I have learned so much over the past year….SO MUCH!  And I am still learning.  I love you so much and I am hoping someday I won’t need you as much as you don’t need me :) haha

That’s all.  For now…"

It does make one wonder, if I didn't need God, if all was fine and rosy, if life seemed a joyful stroll down the street, a string of "things going my way," a path towards success and "happiness," what would He be to me then? Would He still my love, my God, my refuge, my reassurance? Would He be nothing but a nuisance because my self assurance lay in something or someone else?  When I have not been trampled on, disappointed, let down, when I have not failed myself and others, been hurt or damaged, I am easy to let His voice become faint.  For this I am sad, it is painful to think that I do this to One that I love, One who loves me despite my constant failures.  I like to think that I would love God even if I did not need Him but all I can do is pray to Him, to lean on Him in all times, good and bad, easy and difficult.  For He is love and mercy, righteousness and peace, strength and courage, and all things good that lie in me.  I think I could love Him even if I didn't need Him but you know, it doesn't really matter because I know for sure that He loves me even though He's never needed me and this gives me much hope.

Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble but I needed to get it out there...so there :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Wretched

I had to share this post from Life Blessons....it's a goody.

photo by me :)

"Dark, but lovely."  Amen sister!

Have a wonderful week!

Thank God for Fish

I just realized it's been over a year since my first blog post...CU-RAY-ZEE!  Looking back, I cant believe how far spiritually, physically (Kaiafit <3..check it out), and psychologically the Lord has brought me since then.  I've moved out (once again) from the parentals house, met the love of my life, started down the path to nursing, and gotten in the best shape of my life, all in 12 short months.  Not that I think all my trials are past me...believe me I know there are many MANY more to come as life unfolds.  But, I feel that I have the faith and tools to get me through whatever life throws at me, God willing.

This blog has afforded me a space to truly express myself, house my inspiration, and share my faith.  Posting to it has become an important part of my routine, something I truly look forward to.  It has reinvigorated my love for writing and helped me to work though difficult situations and emotions.  When I first sat down one afternoon in July of 2010, teary eyed, heartbroken, beaten down, searching for an outlet for the pain, I had no idea what was in store for me. 

I called out to the Lord, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and you heard my voice.

~ Jonah 2:2

Because of one little devotional, supplied by God, my perpective on life was changed and my hope renewed.  I still have that tiny slip of paper posted in my cubical to remind me that when life seems dark, difficult, and meaningless, we may indeed be in the belly of the fish....
 
 

July 17, 2010

Rescued

To most people, being swallowed alive be a sea creature would be considered a bad thing.  And yet, in the dark and strange stomach of a giant fish, Jonah the Prophet gave thanks.  As frightened as he must have been, and as awful as the situation semeed, Jonah knew that it was, in fact, a rescue.  God snatched him out of the watery belly of death and plopped him into the belly of a great fish.

It makes me wonder.  How often, when life seems dark, stinky, and unfair, am I really in the "belly of a fish?"

God promises to hear our cries for help, but He never commits to send help in the way we'd expect.  In fact, our God specializes in unusual rescues.  Who else would have used grasshoppers, a snake on a stick, and stone in a sling to solve His people's problems?  Who else but our unusual God would use the death of His own Son to rescue His children?

Sometimes my bad situations might actually be deliverances.  God grant me the grace to recognize my surroundings, and, like Jonah before me, to give Him the glory when He comes to my rescue.

 Have a lovely week!

Crazy Town

So...I think I can safely say I no longer hold a roundtrip, non-refundable ticket to Crazy Town, though I do still keep a spare ticket in my back pocket, just in case. :)  This past year has been a doosie...TONS of changes, challenges, anxiety attacks, tears, fights...but mixed in with those times or darkness are countless moments of excitement, adventures, lessons, joy, answered (and unanswered thankfully) prayers, and little victories.  I feel like I have been drug through the mud, thorns, and over the gravel road....most of the time being pulled along by my own pride and stubborness.  But despite the scars and bruises I have, I feel renewed and strenghtened.  Not that swelling sense of accomplishment and excitement, but a calm, comforting grounding, like my feet are firmly stuck to the ground even if my body continues to sway in the winds of Life. 

I truly realized this the other night while B and I were walking back from class (we are taking a Chem class together....yipppe!).  B was telling me about a friend of his who is having relationship issues and how he had told him that he needed to take "the lead" in the relationship.  This immediately sent me into defense mode since many of the issues with Sh*thead involved the power struggle between the two of us and my belief that he tried too much to control me.  Long story short I proceeeded with a series of questions ultimately leading to the one real question on my mind: How did he think he was the "leader" in our relationship.  I prepared for his answer of "I make all the decisions," or "the buck stops here" or "you do as I say" lacing up my boxing gloves for a Level 11 reaction (as Sh*thead once said).  As I grew red in the face, he looked down at me and said "I pray with you when you cry."  I immediately deflated.  He leads our relationship because he prays with me, because he prays for me.  I don't think I've ever felt more love for B then in that one moment.  I realize that he truly understands what Christ says regarding marriage in Ephesians 5:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

~ Ephesians 5:22-33

Letting go of the past and focusing on the blessings of my present and future...as well as the pain...that is how I rid myself of the roundtrip ticket :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

P.S. This blog post made me laugh aloud....and inspired me to write today's post. :)

The One

You know you've found "the one" when they...

1. Gleefully follow you to your mother's birthday party, keeping quiet as you attempt to run unsuspecting bystanders off the road because you're running 20 minutes late as usual due to the fact that you packed much too much into one day because you chronically overbook yourself in the hopes that it will help you get more done...when in fact it has the opposite effect. 

2. Smile and laugh while being forced to make birthday hats at your mother's 54th birthday party while your nieces run around screaming making it nearly impossible to have a conversation.

3. Think nothing of your seemingly weekly anxiety attacks, questioning of your purpose in life, and overall neurosis....telling you that they love you the way you are and "what's so great about being normal anyway?"

4. Frantically look for snacks when you've passed your patience point and start to get irrationally angry because you haven't eaten in far too long.

5.  Tell you you're beautiful when you have snot running down your face and puffy eyes from crying over something silly.

6. Pray with you when you feel like you can't go on any longer and remind you that all is possible with the help of God.

Love you B.  You are my best friend, my love, you bring out the best in me.  I hope I do the same for you. :)

Pain continued...

I just stumbled across this poem while looking up another Kahlil Gibran poem on children.  Perfect timing for my previous post. :)

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Pain

"[Pain] removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul."

~ "The Problem of Pain" by CS Lewis

Someone recently said to me that we only grow through pain and difficulty.  Sadly, I have to agree with this comment especially since I have been particularly uninspired lately and shockingly haven't had too many challenges.  At first I thought that I had just gotten a handle on things but I've slowly come to realize that I was just ignoring the problems.  Hunkering down into my little world, away from trouble, responsibility, and accountability.  Now, while this lack of difficulty doesn't immediately seem like a negative I do see how it could become a problem...staying in this "little box of boring" as my best friend would say.  How can we grow if we do not challenge ourselves?  How can we move forward, improve, understand better if we never face conflict, hardship or pain?

Photo via me :)

I often wish that I could don rose colored glasses day after day, only seeing the beauty and joy in the world and avoiding the darkness, doubt and insecurity.  But pain reminds us of our shortcomings, inabilities and our need for God.  Often like the pain from an intense workout, lifting, stretching, pulling and tearing our muscles so that they can repair themselves and grow stronger.  This is how I see pain.  It can often seem like a never ending tunnel, an uphill trek or endless swim, but it does come to an end, eventually.  And when I resurface from the deep or reach the top of the hill I feel renewed and strengthened, ready to face the next battle, even beginning to welcome it.  Christ walked the long road with us, bearing not only the burden of our sins but also the knowledge of the pain he was about to endure....being nailed to the cross.  But he endured it nonetheless, welcomed it, because he knew it would bring about victory.  Why then should I hide from the pain?  Why then should I not embrace it, bear down and endure it?  I will let it shove me to my knees so that I may look up to God to pull me up.  And I will even more rejoice in the joys and happiness of this life and learn from the trials and tribulations because of it.

I am convinced

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present

nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38-39

How fickle and moody creatures are we that we would search around aimlessly in this world for a happiness that is already assured?  How insecure, selfish and vain am I that I continually pine for the love and acceptance of others when the Creator of the Universe loves me personally, unconditionally and calls me by name through my baptism?  How fleeting and shallow are our emotions that things like work, responsibility and stress define our reactions toward each other?



(Image via Berthe Morisot.org)

I often struggle with "letting life in."  I take the minuscule, day to day stresses into my palms and cradle them close to my heart, showing my teeth to anyone who dares say I am not tormented.  Who are they to know the depths of my pain?  How could they possibly sympathize with what I'M feeling?

But then I sit back and realize that I am a tiny speck in the enormity of time.  I am one of a million who have shared the same pains, torments, intimacies, joys, laughs, loves.  They have cried the same tears, barked the same harsh words, caressed their loved ones with the same gentle touch.  They have struggled against the same vices, freely handed over the same parts of themselves, and fought the same battles to regain the pieces.  They have been tied down by the same sins, over and over and over again.  Reminded daily, just as I am, of the same inadequacies, failures, regrets. 

They have a gift that is freely offered to them daily, just as I do.  A gift that does not only give, but rather takes away, washes clean, redeems and wipes clear the slate of our past, present and future.  I am a creature so inadequate in my own abilities to even remain sane some days it seems.  But I am also a child who is loved by One who's love is so powerful and complete that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from it and this gives me much hope.

Have a wonderful week!

Pieces

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

I have loved, I have hated, I have been broken, and broken those around me.  Little pieces of myself chipped off and handed over.  These empty parts of me, little crevices that once contained pieces of my soul have healed.  They have grown over and hardened.  But much like the scar tissue of a past injury, they still sear with pain unexpectedly.  A memory, familiar surrounding, situation, will cause them to scream out and remind me of where they came from, of who gave them to me. 



I used to think that to be truly past something or someone we must become unfeeling towards them, rid ourselves of any connection to them and soldier on into the future.  But these irritating little scars, painful reminders of a love lost will always pull me back, for a moment.

I made myself vulernable and allowed love in.  A love that chipped off the little pieces of me and allowed them to scar over.  A love that left me confused, irrational, insecure.  But a love nonetheless.  Was it worth it?  I don't think I'll ever be able to fully answer that question.

To love is to be vulnerable. 

After the Storm

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

~Mumford and Sons

I gave him my body, thinking it would protect my heart.  I loved him passionately, thinking it was true, that the fire, the tears, the heartbreak meant that it was real.  I ignored the warning in my heart and soldiered on into the dark place where he and I could be together, standing strong against the world, against God.  No one understood our love.  I let his approval, his loyalty, his judgements define the person I was.  I was young, reckless, inexperienced.  In search of something different, uncommon, unique.  I ran away from what I knew was right into the arms of someone, something that would forever change me.  When the passion, fire, love came to an end the recklessness remained.  I clung to his memory thinking that anything else would betray him.  All chances at happiness, sanity, normalcy were quickly stubbed out by my unwilliness to move on.  Drama drove me, defined me, held me back.  I kept the Lord at a safe distance, far enough away to allow me to do as I pleased.  I became strong willed, independant, cold.  Numbness was safe.  Short lived, meaningless distractions kept me afloat.    

But you, I cannot keep you as a distraction.  My heart is mending, hardened as it may be, and beginning to open itself up to you.  You love me for my heart, not my body.  I keep my body from you to give you my heart.  You see me as I want to see myself....damaged but renewed, sinful but holy.  You let me be weak, irrational, cold...for a moment, then pull me to you and remind me what I am worth.  You and I, not against the world, but with God. 
   

Love you B.    

Good Friday

Last night at the Holy Thursday (Maundy Thursday) service my congregation chanted this Psalm while the altar guild stripped that altar of the communion vessels, drapery and candles in preparation for Good Friday.  It was such a beautiful and heartbreaking experience.  One that truly reminded me of all the God of Life has done; came to Earth in flesh, humbled himself as a servant, and submitted to crucifixion so that the death of one would save many.   

Psalm 22

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?

 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.

 In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.

To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame. 

But I am a worm and not a man,
   scorned by everyone, despised by the people.

All who see me mock me;
   they hurl insults, shaking their heads.

“He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
   “let the LORD rescue him.

Let him deliver him,
   since he delights in him.” 

 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.

From birth I was cast on you;
   from my mother’s womb you have been my God. 

Do not be far from me,
   for trouble is near
   and there is no one to help. 

 Many bulls surround me;
   strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.

Roaring lions that tear their prey
   open their mouths wide against me.

I am poured out like water,
   and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart has turned to wax;
   it has melted within me.

My mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
   and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
   you lay me in the dust of death. 

Dogs surround me,
   a pack of villains encircles me;
   they pierce my hands and my feet.

All my bones are on display;
   people stare and gloat over me.

They divide my clothes among them
   and cast lots for my garment. 

But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
   You are my strength; come quickly to help me.  

Deliver me from the sword,
   my precious life from the power of the dogs.

Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
   save me from the horns of the wild oxen. 

I will declare your name to my people;
   in the assembly I will praise you.

You who fear the LORD, praise him!
   All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
   Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!

For he has not despised or scorned
   the suffering of the afflicted one;

he has not hidden his face from him
   but has listened to his cry for help. 

From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;

before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.

The poor will eat and be satisfied;
   those who seek the LORD will praise him

   may your hearts live forever! 

All the ends of the earth
   will remember and turn to the LORD,

and all the families of the nations
   will bow down before him,

for dominion belongs to the LORD
   and he rules over the nations. 

All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
   all who go down to the dust will kneel before him
   those who cannot keep themselves alive.

Posterity will serve him;
   future generations will be told about the Lord.

They will proclaim his righteousness,
   declaring to a people yet unborn:
   He has done it! 

May you have a blessed Good Friday and Easter season!

Maundy Thursday

Its nearing the end of Holy week and though this Lenten season has not been as reflective as I had hoped (definitely didn't make it through my Lenten devotions) I am rejoicing in all that the Lord has done for us ragged bunch of sinners. :)  Tonight is the Maundy Thursday service where we commemorate the Last Supper of Jesus before his Passion and death on the cross.  At the end of the service they strip the altar to prepare for Good Friday (the death of Jesus).  Though the Good Friday service is a difficult one, somber hymns, the Passion reading, black draped altar and cross, it is a necessary reminder of all that Christ has and does endure for us even though we often turn our backs to Him.  It is also a wonderful contrast to the celebratory nature of Easter, with white lilies filling the church and adorning the cross, loud, joyful hymns, Sunday best suits and dresses and, of course, lots of yummy food!

I hope the remainder of your Holy Week is blessed and your Easter is filled with the joy the He has Risen!

Joy

"I am convinced that we can choose joy.  Every moment we can decide to respond to an event or a person with joy instead of sadness.  When we truly believe that God is life and only life, then nothing need have the power to draw us into the sad realm of death.  To choose joy does not mean to choose happy feelings or an artificial atmosphere of hilarity.  But it does mean the determination to let whatever takes place brings us one step closer to the God of life."

The older I get.....  Perhaps I should rephrase that.....

The less stubborn I get, the more I realize that my joy is outside of myself.  The less I try to control my life, find happiness, success, or peace in the things around me the happier, more successful (though perhaps not by earthly measure), and peaceful I am.  My mother had given me a book to read last summer when I was feeling particularly down about Sh*thead.  The passage above spoke particularly loud to me.  Joy is not something that can be obtained in this life by human means but is more a submission of all things to the God of life, a trust that he will provide all we need, and a response to our neighbor of love and understanding.  The road to sanctification is a long and rocky one but one that can have its moments of "victory" if we remember that we are entirely justified by our Savior and are therefore free to respond to all things in life with JOY!  Even if we feel less than such.  Therefore....

I choose my joy! :)

Ghosts

"You see, I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kind of bore me." 

Oh Ray, how applicable you are to all things in life.  It seems appropriate to write about the last couple of weeks as the recent events that have transpired are directly connected to how and why this blog began.  A couple weeks ago I found out that Sh*thead is getting married.....yep.....not even a year has gone by since the meltdown and he's already engaged.  Though I can't say I was surprised.  He's getting up there in years, Mormon, and has been ready to settle down for awhile.  I, on the other hand, could never seem to commit...perhaps it was God closing my heart so I didn't ruin my life...perhaps. Even with the lack of surprise I still managed to go into panic attack mode, at work, in my cube...fun :/  After drying my tears in my coworkers cube (she's female, she understands), I put my chin up, buckled my crash helmet, and congratulated him.  *Sigh.  Oh how I hate being the bigger person.  Then came the full spectrum of emotions.  I rode the rollercoaster down into deep despair, misery, regret, anger, jealously, thankfulness, and finally have arrived at peace.  Sadly, I was less than pleasant to B during this time even though I practiced full disclosure and shared all the details with him (something I've NEVER been able to do before).  I think being honest with him about how the "news" was affecting me helped me to realize just why it was affecting me so deeply and actually made me feel a whole lot better.  B was amazing, as usual, and just listened while I cried on his shoulder over the impending marriage of my ex...ugh I feel so terrible. 

His kind, understanding reaction to me telling him I was utterly miserable at the news has made me love him even more and truly see just what kind of person he really is....kind, gentle, understanding, selfless and confident.  Seeing those traits in him reminds me of how wrong Sh*thead and I were, how dramatic and painful our relationship was, and how far I have come since then.  The Lord has held tight to me and I to my Faith.  I refused to give in to the desires of the heart and instead chose the desires of my soul...to live in eternity with my Heavenly Father, not just do what makes me happy in this life to the detrement of the next.  I have become honest with myself, aware and accepting of my shortcomings while still striving to move beyond them.  And I am beginning to realize that happiness and love is something that should flow out of you even when it is not flowing into you.

Even if things don't work out with B and I, I am content in my relationship with the Lord and THAT will always be enough love for me. :)

"Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you."

Have a wonderful rest of your weekend!

Luck of the Irish

Happy St. Patty's Day!  I learned a fun fact this morning: St. Patrick is famous for driving the snakes out of Ireland and spreading the Gospel (after being kidnapped by pirates as a child).  Fascinating.  In the spirit of St. Patrick, the Irish, leprechauns and everything green I made my own version of "Luck Elixir" for my secret pal at our church preschool.  Instead of limeade however I used lemonade and green food coloring. :)  I even used a funky, fun bottle leftover from my best friends bridal shower.  Yay for reusable crafts!!!

(Via Design Sponge)

Movin on up!

Happy Friday! This week has been a whirl-wind! After much deliberation, stress, mind-changing, and prayer, it turns out I will be moving. God is quite clear when he wants to be. My parents have to tear down my humble little abode because SOMEBODY called the city on them (apparently having a studio in your garage is a no no). So, I am now in the process of finding a nice little house to rent + a roommate to rent it with. Terrifying but exciting at the same time. Kinda makes me want to curl up in a cozy little corner and forget about all the packing, house shopping, and moving I'll have to do. Like this one....

(Via MadeByGirl)

With one of these.....

(Via Life:Inspired)

And these....

(Via Blissfully Domestic)

Have a lovely, stress-free weekend!

Change Gon' Come

Happy Wednesday to you all! Though I can't say it has been an especially happy week for me. I learned last Thursday that my boss for the last three years is resigning! While I am excited for him and all the opportunities the future will bring I am sad for myself and those in my office. Even with all his quirks and demanding work style he is the energy of the office and brings fun and spark with him everyday. I was his assistant for two of the years and have come to realize that you develop a friendship, trust and comfort in working so closely with someone....tracking down Christmas trees for his fam on Christmas Eve, hoofing it down to Macy's to buy him socks because he managed to forget his, helping pick out birthday presents for his wife (last minute of course).


For me this change begs the question: Where does my career go from here? The good ol' office has been my first and only experience in the professional world and, with the boss man leaving, I must admit I am feeling a little lost. How will it be working for someone new? Will our work styles mesh? Will I continue to grow in my career? I know these questions seem silly as my ultimate goal is to get into nursing school but I strive to succeed in my current position in the interim. Only God knows where it will all go from here. I pray that I have enough faith to get out of the way when He decides to take me down a new path :)

P.S. Gotta love Sam Cooke..

There been times that I thought I wouldn't last for long
Now think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming but I know
A change gon' come, oh yes it will