Need

So I should be studying but I've been meaning to write a post and have been putting it off for far too long.

I am currently rereading "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis and had an epiphany the other night regarding the issue of need.  A few months back someone had said to me that we cannot truly love God through our need for Him.  That if we are to know Him honestly and appreciate His glory, mercy and strength we need to love Him for Him.  Not for the things He provides for us or the pity He has on our wretchedness.  This is easier said than done as we are obviously sinful creatures who literally would not exist without Him and are damned to hell (to say it bluntly) without His mercy, grace and the sacrifice that He made for us on Calvary.  But it is an interesting concept to explore; to love someone truly for them and not for the things, whether they be physical, spiritual, or emotional, that they provide.  Though I know I will never fully love God for God, for I am far too steeped in my sinful nature, selfish and ever falling backwards after stepping forwards, climbing uphill in my sanctification, it is something I must consider in both my relationship with God and those around me.

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I think the easiest way to share my thoughts on need and human relationships is to share an email I wrote to B the other day. {I do this to him from time to time, poor man.  I freak out, write him a page long email, spewing all my thoughts of the moment at him and then go back to normal.  *Sigh* He's so patient, God bless him.}

"You’re going to think I’m crazy…well, you probably already do haha.  But, as you may know, I am a bit of a co-dependent.  A while back some had mentioned that we can’t truly love God if we love Him out of need.  If we need Him, the majority of our love stems from that need and we don’t love Him solely for who He is.  Well I think it works the same in human relationships.  You can’t truly love someone if you need them.  For example: I need water, therefore I have a tendency to take it for granted until I no longer have it.  It is only then that I recognize the importance of water.  So, I never truly loved water, I just needed.  I didn’t take the time to recognize how wonderful it was because I took it for granted.  Similarly with God, I don’t usually realize His significance until I “need” Him. 

I think my co-dependent tendencies have been taking a toll on our relationship lately.  I put so much emphasis on how our relationship is functioning (are we spending enough time together, are you treating me how I think I deserve to be treated, are we headed down the correct path towards marriage, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah).  So much of who I am gets wrapped up in the health of our relationship, what you think of me and where we are going that I can’t just love you for you.  I have spent so much of my life worried about what others think of me, vying for approval and trying to be perfect and perform how I think others want me to.  I’m so sick of it and it has done me such a disservice. 

Then there’s you.  You frustrate the hell out of me because you don’t need me.  You love me because you choose to, not because you need to.  Before it would drive me crazy because I would wonder why you didn’t seek my approval, but I am starting to appreciate it.  You started dating because you thought that’s what God wanted you to do.  Not because you needed a companion.  I trust your love so much more because it is not wound up in your own self-worth.  I have learned so much over the past year….SO MUCH!  And I am still learning.  I love you so much and I am hoping someday I won’t need you as much as you don’t need me :) haha

That’s all.  For now…"

It does make one wonder, if I didn't need God, if all was fine and rosy, if life seemed a joyful stroll down the street, a string of "things going my way," a path towards success and "happiness," what would He be to me then? Would He still my love, my God, my refuge, my reassurance? Would He be nothing but a nuisance because my self assurance lay in something or someone else?  When I have not been trampled on, disappointed, let down, when I have not failed myself and others, been hurt or damaged, I am easy to let His voice become faint.  For this I am sad, it is painful to think that I do this to One that I love, One who loves me despite my constant failures.  I like to think that I would love God even if I did not need Him but all I can do is pray to Him, to lean on Him in all times, good and bad, easy and difficult.  For He is love and mercy, righteousness and peace, strength and courage, and all things good that lie in me.  I think I could love Him even if I didn't need Him but you know, it doesn't really matter because I know for sure that He loves me even though He's never needed me and this gives me much hope.

Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble but I needed to get it out there...so there :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Wanna be

Dating B has stirred in me several thing that have been buried for some time....my love of the outdoors, a comfort in being alone and a creepy sense of humor.  It has also introduced me to wonderfully new things like backpacking, "meandering," and Norway!  The more I get to know about the lovely little place the more obsessed I become with the idea of one day living there.  AND with half of B's family still there (the rest are in England...definite plus to dating him right?!) the possibility of it happening someday is not so far off.  Below are a few things I've come to love about the place and people. 

1. Norwegian waffles with brown cheese...need I say more?

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2. Mariell Amelie

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3. Grass covered cottages

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4. Kransekake...heaven in a crumbly almondy treat

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Have a wonderful week!

Balanced Diet

Ahhh the end to another weekend...so sad haha. B and I had a fun weekend filled with plenty of vegging, cooking, a trip to the farmers market, and a little football watching on Sunday with the Pops....poor Jets :( I even made it to a few consignment stores, but alas I am yet to find my project chair. It felt so good to be out in the sunshine after all the fog. On Saturday, we picked up tons of fresh, organic veggies at the farmers market and used them in a super healthy and flavorful omelet on Sunday morning. Why is cooking with fresh ingredients so satisfying?

I forgot to pack my camera AGAIN, so the pics I snapped on my phone will have to suffice.


They have a peddle powered carousel at the farmers market...how cute is that!?

B planning his assault on an avocado and cheese burger at Burgers and Brew. He hates pictures so I have to sneak them :)

Me planning my assault on a sauteed mushroom and cheese veggie burger...mmmmm

Silence....and the lamb

Is there anything more awkward than eating dinner mid fight? B and I had a little spat the other night right before we sat down for dinner and I must say it was one of the more painful moments in our relationship thus far. I couldn't even tell you what the tiff was about now it was so silly but staring down at my plate, the fork, the butter, anything to avoid eye contact wth B was less than enjoyable. I don't know what was worse, silent dinner or angry dish washing haha. What are some of your more awkward fight moments?

Btw...how cool is this chandelier?!

International Delights

Good morning and Happy Friday!

Today marks the beginning of the end to my last week of house sitting and I am none too happy about it! B and I have been taking care of our friends house while they romp around New Zealand on their honeymoon (jealous!). We've had a blast playing house; cooking, playing Wii (yes we're huge dorks), watching movies, and making homemade lemon drops from the overproducing lemon tree in the backyard. B's mother is Norwegian so I've been test driving all her yummy recipes and trying to recreate some of his childhood favorites. I even brought some of my new creations into work yesterday morning for my coworkers to enjoy. Below are a few photo's from our Norwegian waffle breakfast last weekend :)


Our feast! Unfortunately, we didn't have a true Norwegian waffle maker so we had to make due with a Belgian. The waffles come out thicker than they are supposed to but they were yummy none the less. We traded off smearing them with butter and brown cheese (made with part goat, part cow milk that neither B or I can pronounce) and sour cream with lingonberry or strawberry jam.

1. 

My new obsession...Lingonberry jam! It has the tartness of Cranberries with the sweetness of strawberry jam. Sooooo tasty! B and I found some (after much hunting) at Whole Foods but I've heard Ikea carries this as well.

Slacker!

Good morning!

I so have not been keeping up on this blog like I intended! It takes more energy and self reflection than I had initially thought to daily post on one's mental state :) So, I'll just give a brief run through of the past few months.

1. Met a wonderful man on "the site." We'll call him B :)
2. Developed a new love and respect for backpacking
3. Finished my first class for the nursing program!

Below are pictures from our recent hike.....



B taking in the sceneryFun little mushroom. I feel like there should be a caterpillar on top blowing smoke rings...

Very Lord of the Rings-esque don't you think?

Full tummy, quiet mind

Aaaah the end to another successful day! By successful I mean I didn't cry, call the ex or rip anyone's head off and lay my eggs in their neck. In all seriousness though, I was able to get some work done, spent time with some wonderful children (Sac Area Emergency Housing Center...check it out) and had some goood food with fantastic friends. Now I'm plugged into Adele making my way home to my hobbit hole via the bus (I'm lessening my carbon footprint :p). Oh! And I got to have lunch with an old friend from college. It's only been a couple of weeks since "the incident" (complete and utter meltdown over the ex) but I feel that I am getting stronger and stronger and saner and saner each day.

So...I promised to share the details of my online dating adventure. In keeping with this promise I received a few emails or what "the site" (we shall refer to E-Harmony as such to keep the bile from rising into my throat) calls communications. And...I actually responded, which is a huge step for me. My normal approach to dating includes keeping my head down when walking, avoiding eye contact and running away when approached. This may explain my affinity with Sh*thead (see previous post). He was one of the few brave souls who actually had the gall to approach such an awkward duck. Anyway we shall see how it goes. There is one strapping young lad who works as a missionary, with a nice face and a head full of dark locks...I've got my eye on him, but don't be silly enough to think I'll actually make the first move. Even if the move is as small as sending over some follow-up questions (I still don't understand this whole matching thing).

As Adele so brilliantly puts it...."when night comes and I'm on my own, you should know I chose to be alone." Oh Adele how I love thee! Let me count the ways!