After the Storm

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

~Mumford and Sons

I gave him my body, thinking it would protect my heart.  I loved him passionately, thinking it was true, that the fire, the tears, the heartbreak meant that it was real.  I ignored the warning in my heart and soldiered on into the dark place where he and I could be together, standing strong against the world, against God.  No one understood our love.  I let his approval, his loyalty, his judgements define the person I was.  I was young, reckless, inexperienced.  In search of something different, uncommon, unique.  I ran away from what I knew was right into the arms of someone, something that would forever change me.  When the passion, fire, love came to an end the recklessness remained.  I clung to his memory thinking that anything else would betray him.  All chances at happiness, sanity, normalcy were quickly stubbed out by my unwilliness to move on.  Drama drove me, defined me, held me back.  I kept the Lord at a safe distance, far enough away to allow me to do as I pleased.  I became strong willed, independant, cold.  Numbness was safe.  Short lived, meaningless distractions kept me afloat.    

But you, I cannot keep you as a distraction.  My heart is mending, hardened as it may be, and beginning to open itself up to you.  You love me for my heart, not my body.  I keep my body from you to give you my heart.  You see me as I want to see myself....damaged but renewed, sinful but holy.  You let me be weak, irrational, cold...for a moment, then pull me to you and remind me what I am worth.  You and I, not against the world, but with God. 
   

Love you B.