Waiting Life Away

When I get a new job...get married....have more money....have children....have time....have the patience....have....have....have....

These are thoughts are constantly filling my mind and spilling out of my mouth. I sit in front of my computer at work at watching the clock and waiting for 5:00pm so that I may finally enjoy the day. I wade through the week with eyes half closed and my mind foggy waiting for the weekend so that I may enjoy time spent with B, my friends and family. I move through life with an unrelenting desire to finally start living fully with a marriage, home, and children, a job I love and time to devote to hobbies.

So often my mind hearkens back to the past, my adolescence, when things were easier, more enjoyable, when there was more time for the things I wanted to do. Times when there were not constant demands, responsibilities, troubles, and heartbreak. I kick myself for wanting to grow up so quickly, for falling so irrationally in love without thought to consequence, for throwing away moments, friends, and morals without consideration for the damage I was doing to myself, my soul, and my ability to love fully.

And then after weeks of depression, aggravation, sadness, and impatience, I realize that I am letting so much of my short life slip by without even a thought to the moments I am in. I spend all my time in the past and future, longing to regain the freedom, innocence and ignorance of childhood and adolescence and waiting to finally live the life I have built in my mind. I spend very little time in the present, enjoying the work that I have to do daily, small accomplishments, joys, frustrations and failures, learning to live in this world instead of waiting for life to begin.

Photo via me :)

Time slips away so quickly and it is so easy to forget that we may not have a future or at least not the one we planned for. Similarly, the past sneaks up on us like a stalking lion and drags us back into memories and reminiscing…leading us to believe that it was so much easier, better, fulfilling way back when. But was it?

I am resigned to the fact that I am a dreamer, someone who always longs for the greener grass, for Mayberry, for black and white photos and simpler times. However, I refuse to continue to let each moment slip by without an acknowledgement of the little joys and frustrations that they contain. My life is now not 5 years ago or 10 years down the road and I am determined to be present in it.