I married an amazing man on June 30th....

.... Just thought you should know :)

XOXO

Ring a Ling Ling

So...I'm engaged.  Weird, exciting, surreal....so many emotions I can barely stand it.  B, you are my love, my best friend, my silly man who makes me smile, laugh, think.  I can't wait to start the rest of our lives together. 

P.S.  I'll be sharing the proposal story soon!

Until then... have a wonderful Wednesday! :)

Love or Something Like It

Have you ever read "A Cup Of Jo?"  If you haven't I suggest you hop on over to her blog and check it out.  She has lovely little tid bits on NY, fashion, babies, and my favorite topic of hers...love.  Here is a lovely article that, I believe, gives a realistic description of what love truly is.  Not the love shoved down our throats in romantic comedies, television shows, and books.  That kind of love is...well lovely.  But it's not realistic.  Love can be hurtful, selfish, disappointing, aggravating.  It can cause you to do things you never thought you were capable of, to say things you never thought you'd utter.  It can bring out the worst in you.  But...it can also teach you things about yourself you'd have never know if someone wasn't there challenging you...daily.  It can bring out the good in you, teach you the true meaning of sacrifice, compromise, and compassion.  It can take you to your wits end and bring you as close to Heaven as you'll see on this Earth. 

(via Snippet & Ink, via a Cup of Joe)

"When the Words Don’t Fit...." (via a Cup of Joe)

"My husband and I don’t have a great “meeting” story. We met in a conventional way and had a conventional wedding. And in some sense, we lead a conventional life.

But my husband has seen me at my worst, at my most vile. And he has seen me at my best. He knows the things I don’t tell anyone, and the lies that I tell everyone but him. I have made sacrifices for him and been angry about it. Sometimes his flaws are so egregious, so blatant, they are all I see. And sometimes his kindness is so stunning that I am humbled.

And that’s love. Big, epic, fairy-tale love. The kind of love people write about. The kind of love that could inspire a poem."

Love is a funny thing.  It's taken me 26 years to even begin to understand what it means to love and I've still got so far to go. 

Have a wonderful weekend!

Crazy Town

So...I think I can safely say I no longer hold a roundtrip, non-refundable ticket to Crazy Town, though I do still keep a spare ticket in my back pocket, just in case. :)  This past year has been a doosie...TONS of changes, challenges, anxiety attacks, tears, fights...but mixed in with those times or darkness are countless moments of excitement, adventures, lessons, joy, answered (and unanswered thankfully) prayers, and little victories.  I feel like I have been drug through the mud, thorns, and over the gravel road....most of the time being pulled along by my own pride and stubborness.  But despite the scars and bruises I have, I feel renewed and strenghtened.  Not that swelling sense of accomplishment and excitement, but a calm, comforting grounding, like my feet are firmly stuck to the ground even if my body continues to sway in the winds of Life. 

I truly realized this the other night while B and I were walking back from class (we are taking a Chem class together....yipppe!).  B was telling me about a friend of his who is having relationship issues and how he had told him that he needed to take "the lead" in the relationship.  This immediately sent me into defense mode since many of the issues with Sh*thead involved the power struggle between the two of us and my belief that he tried too much to control me.  Long story short I proceeeded with a series of questions ultimately leading to the one real question on my mind: How did he think he was the "leader" in our relationship.  I prepared for his answer of "I make all the decisions," or "the buck stops here" or "you do as I say" lacing up my boxing gloves for a Level 11 reaction (as Sh*thead once said).  As I grew red in the face, he looked down at me and said "I pray with you when you cry."  I immediately deflated.  He leads our relationship because he prays with me, because he prays for me.  I don't think I've ever felt more love for B then in that one moment.  I realize that he truly understands what Christ says regarding marriage in Ephesians 5:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

~ Ephesians 5:22-33

Letting go of the past and focusing on the blessings of my present and future...as well as the pain...that is how I rid myself of the roundtrip ticket :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

P.S. This blog post made me laugh aloud....and inspired me to write today's post. :)

The One

You know you've found "the one" when they...

1. Gleefully follow you to your mother's birthday party, keeping quiet as you attempt to run unsuspecting bystanders off the road because you're running 20 minutes late as usual due to the fact that you packed much too much into one day because you chronically overbook yourself in the hopes that it will help you get more done...when in fact it has the opposite effect. 

2. Smile and laugh while being forced to make birthday hats at your mother's 54th birthday party while your nieces run around screaming making it nearly impossible to have a conversation.

3. Think nothing of your seemingly weekly anxiety attacks, questioning of your purpose in life, and overall neurosis....telling you that they love you the way you are and "what's so great about being normal anyway?"

4. Frantically look for snacks when you've passed your patience point and start to get irrationally angry because you haven't eaten in far too long.

5.  Tell you you're beautiful when you have snot running down your face and puffy eyes from crying over something silly.

6. Pray with you when you feel like you can't go on any longer and remind you that all is possible with the help of God.

Love you B.  You are my best friend, my love, you bring out the best in me.  I hope I do the same for you. :)

Pieces

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

I have loved, I have hated, I have been broken, and broken those around me.  Little pieces of myself chipped off and handed over.  These empty parts of me, little crevices that once contained pieces of my soul have healed.  They have grown over and hardened.  But much like the scar tissue of a past injury, they still sear with pain unexpectedly.  A memory, familiar surrounding, situation, will cause them to scream out and remind me of where they came from, of who gave them to me. 



I used to think that to be truly past something or someone we must become unfeeling towards them, rid ourselves of any connection to them and soldier on into the future.  But these irritating little scars, painful reminders of a love lost will always pull me back, for a moment.

I made myself vulernable and allowed love in.  A love that chipped off the little pieces of me and allowed them to scar over.  A love that left me confused, irrational, insecure.  But a love nonetheless.  Was it worth it?  I don't think I'll ever be able to fully answer that question.

To love is to be vulnerable. 

Happy 4th of July

I hope yours was spent celebrating our freedom with the ones you love :)

After the Storm

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

~Mumford and Sons

I gave him my body, thinking it would protect my heart.  I loved him passionately, thinking it was true, that the fire, the tears, the heartbreak meant that it was real.  I ignored the warning in my heart and soldiered on into the dark place where he and I could be together, standing strong against the world, against God.  No one understood our love.  I let his approval, his loyalty, his judgements define the person I was.  I was young, reckless, inexperienced.  In search of something different, uncommon, unique.  I ran away from what I knew was right into the arms of someone, something that would forever change me.  When the passion, fire, love came to an end the recklessness remained.  I clung to his memory thinking that anything else would betray him.  All chances at happiness, sanity, normalcy were quickly stubbed out by my unwilliness to move on.  Drama drove me, defined me, held me back.  I kept the Lord at a safe distance, far enough away to allow me to do as I pleased.  I became strong willed, independant, cold.  Numbness was safe.  Short lived, meaningless distractions kept me afloat.    

But you, I cannot keep you as a distraction.  My heart is mending, hardened as it may be, and beginning to open itself up to you.  You love me for my heart, not my body.  I keep my body from you to give you my heart.  You see me as I want to see myself....damaged but renewed, sinful but holy.  You let me be weak, irrational, cold...for a moment, then pull me to you and remind me what I am worth.  You and I, not against the world, but with God. 
   

Love you B.    

Home sweet home

Searching for a home has got B and I talking about what we want our future home to look like.  While my style is more eclectic, B has a very minimalist style with a focus on the masculine...cowhide rugs, roaring fires, lots of wood, and no, I repeat NO throw pillows haha.  The thought of building a home together is so exciting.  I can't wait to see what it will look like! :)

Lovely cowhide rug.

Source: google.com via Laura on Pinterest

I am determined to have a bright white kitchen at least one time in my life! With poured concrete counters of course.

Source: google.com via Laura on Pinterest

B and I have both agreed that a farmhouse sink is a must.

Source: rustyhingesblog.com via Laura on Pinterest

How lovely is this reclaimed wood table?  B and I are convinced that we'll be able to make our own.  Such dreamers haha.

Source: restorationhardware.com via Laura on Pinterest

B has several demands that he just won't budge on.  #1 any and all staircases must be spiral.

Source: apartmenttherapy.com via Laura on Pinterest

#2 Fireplaces must be excessively large, stone and wood burning.

Source: google.com via Laura on Pinterest

#3 Indoor fruit trees are a must. I'm going to have a tough time convincing him that some plants are just eye candy as he believes anything worth growing must be edible.

Source: whmsoft.net via Laura on Pinterest

Have a lovely and warm weekend!

Love =

Source: weheartit.com via Laura on Pinterest

I realized just how true this was last night as B pinned me down and proceeded to make undescribably awkward faces and noises at me as I laughed uncontrollably.  Being able to completely be yourself (in all it's awkward and silly splendor) with the one you love is such a gift. :)

Happy Friday!

Good Friday

Last night at the Holy Thursday (Maundy Thursday) service my congregation chanted this Psalm while the altar guild stripped that altar of the communion vessels, drapery and candles in preparation for Good Friday.  It was such a beautiful and heartbreaking experience.  One that truly reminded me of all the God of Life has done; came to Earth in flesh, humbled himself as a servant, and submitted to crucifixion so that the death of one would save many.   

Psalm 22

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

   Why are you so far from saving me,
   so far from my cries of anguish?

 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
   by night, but I find no rest.

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
   you are the one Israel praises.

 In you our ancestors put their trust;
   they trusted and you delivered them.

To you they cried out and were saved;
   in you they trusted and were not put to shame. 

But I am a worm and not a man,
   scorned by everyone, despised by the people.

All who see me mock me;
   they hurl insults, shaking their heads.

“He trusts in the LORD,” they say,
   “let the LORD rescue him.

Let him deliver him,
   since he delights in him.” 

 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
   you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.

From birth I was cast on you;
   from my mother’s womb you have been my God. 

Do not be far from me,
   for trouble is near
   and there is no one to help. 

 Many bulls surround me;
   strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.

Roaring lions that tear their prey
   open their mouths wide against me.

I am poured out like water,
   and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart has turned to wax;
   it has melted within me.

My mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
   and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
   you lay me in the dust of death. 

Dogs surround me,
   a pack of villains encircles me;
   they pierce my hands and my feet.

All my bones are on display;
   people stare and gloat over me.

They divide my clothes among them
   and cast lots for my garment. 

But you, LORD, do not be far from me.
   You are my strength; come quickly to help me.  

Deliver me from the sword,
   my precious life from the power of the dogs.

Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
   save me from the horns of the wild oxen. 

I will declare your name to my people;
   in the assembly I will praise you.

You who fear the LORD, praise him!
   All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
   Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!

For he has not despised or scorned
   the suffering of the afflicted one;

he has not hidden his face from him
   but has listened to his cry for help. 

From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;

before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.

The poor will eat and be satisfied;
   those who seek the LORD will praise him

   may your hearts live forever! 

All the ends of the earth
   will remember and turn to the LORD,

and all the families of the nations
   will bow down before him,

for dominion belongs to the LORD
   and he rules over the nations. 

All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
   all who go down to the dust will kneel before him
   those who cannot keep themselves alive.

Posterity will serve him;
   future generations will be told about the Lord.

They will proclaim his righteousness,
   declaring to a people yet unborn:
   He has done it! 

May you have a blessed Good Friday and Easter season!

Ghosts

"You see, I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kind of bore me." 

Oh Ray, how applicable you are to all things in life.  It seems appropriate to write about the last couple of weeks as the recent events that have transpired are directly connected to how and why this blog began.  A couple weeks ago I found out that Sh*thead is getting married.....yep.....not even a year has gone by since the meltdown and he's already engaged.  Though I can't say I was surprised.  He's getting up there in years, Mormon, and has been ready to settle down for awhile.  I, on the other hand, could never seem to commit...perhaps it was God closing my heart so I didn't ruin my life...perhaps. Even with the lack of surprise I still managed to go into panic attack mode, at work, in my cube...fun :/  After drying my tears in my coworkers cube (she's female, she understands), I put my chin up, buckled my crash helmet, and congratulated him.  *Sigh.  Oh how I hate being the bigger person.  Then came the full spectrum of emotions.  I rode the rollercoaster down into deep despair, misery, regret, anger, jealously, thankfulness, and finally have arrived at peace.  Sadly, I was less than pleasant to B during this time even though I practiced full disclosure and shared all the details with him (something I've NEVER been able to do before).  I think being honest with him about how the "news" was affecting me helped me to realize just why it was affecting me so deeply and actually made me feel a whole lot better.  B was amazing, as usual, and just listened while I cried on his shoulder over the impending marriage of my ex...ugh I feel so terrible. 

His kind, understanding reaction to me telling him I was utterly miserable at the news has made me love him even more and truly see just what kind of person he really is....kind, gentle, understanding, selfless and confident.  Seeing those traits in him reminds me of how wrong Sh*thead and I were, how dramatic and painful our relationship was, and how far I have come since then.  The Lord has held tight to me and I to my Faith.  I refused to give in to the desires of the heart and instead chose the desires of my soul...to live in eternity with my Heavenly Father, not just do what makes me happy in this life to the detrement of the next.  I have become honest with myself, aware and accepting of my shortcomings while still striving to move beyond them.  And I am beginning to realize that happiness and love is something that should flow out of you even when it is not flowing into you.

Even if things don't work out with B and I, I am content in my relationship with the Lord and THAT will always be enough love for me. :)

"Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you."

Have a wonderful rest of your weekend!

Going going gone!

After much consideration and careful planning, this weekend B decided to shave the man beard. When I first met him he was silky smooth but quickly began his ascent to mountain man status as soon as he realized I harbor a secret love of facial hair. Instead of shaving it all off at once we decided to give The Beard the farewell it deserved and stage a photo montage of the many faces of B. Enjoy :)

The Biker....
The Redneck.....

The Frenchman....

There was one more before the biker but it is too frightening to post. I forgot to snap one of him clean shaven but will make sure to get one before The Beard returns :)

Happy Monday!

Happy Valentine's Day

May God's love and grace be with you all today!

This song is perfection :)

Birfday

Happy Friday lovelies!

Today is my birthday and I can't wait to spend it with my adorable madre and handsome gentleman caller. I started the day off with a few bday texts from my wonderful friends, an extra large cup of home brewed coffee and eucalyptus honey (honey in coffee is perfection), a call to the credit card company (there's no reason not be productive on your bday) and a blog from my bestie that made me tear up a little...okay a lot. Now I'm off to get ready for lunch and pedicures with my mama, then dinner at Todo Un Poco with B, cant wait!


Have a wonderful weekend and romantic or self spoiling Valentines Day. Whatever fits your fancy :)

Love.....

Is not always pretty :)

Lovely Leaders

Not a huge fan of Mr. President but I've got to give the man credit....he seems to know how to love his lady :)



“Sometimes, when we’re lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, feelings that are different from my own. That tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that it’s important that a partner continues to surprise." --Barack Obama

(Reposted from Alkeemi via A Cup of Joe)

In my life....

Happy Monday! I should preface this post by asking for your forgiveness ahead of time for the mushiness :) With the fog creeping along the highway, winding in and out of the withered, leafless trees, Alan Jackson singing "Livin on Love" on the radio, and a weekend just passed filled with friends, food, and fun...I couldn't help it. Looking back on my first few posts, it amazes me how far the Lord has brought me in such a short time. Not that I think all my woes are gone and things will be peachy keen for the remainder of this life. Believe me, I know myself better than to think that the path of sanctification will not be ridden with potholes, berry bushes, and cliffs. However, He has restored in me a hope that I had lost, or nearly lost, after my last run in with Sh*thead. With that in mind, and a wonderful Sunday sermon still filling my thoughts (which subsequently added a new book to my reading list), I must share the 5 things that currently make me smile about B.

He....
1. Is frustratingly honest
2. Uses the word "manlaw" at least once a day
3. Won't eat pork because pigs "eat their own poo"
4. Has at least one hair chronically out of place
5. Can cross one eye and insists on calling me "sugar" when doing so

P.S. Don't you love the Beatles?!

Hello Gorgeous!

Is anyone else excited about this??? My friend Danielle shared this little tid bit with me last week while I was at work and definitely brightened up my drab, grey cubicle filled day. Forget Valentine's Day, Feb 14th has a whole new meaning!


P.S. check out Danielle's blog here. It's quite lovely...like her :)

Oh Lord give me faith!

...to accept the thing I cannot change courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot tell you how many times those words have gone through my head the past few weeks, nay, years! I suppose I should begin (this being my first post and all) at the beginning and shed a little light on why on Earth I, a person physically and morally disinclined to talk about feelings, much less vomit my heart and soul out onto a public blog decided to do the unspeakable.....start. a. blog. Yuck!

Well...here goes it. It began on a sunny afternoon in public speaking 101, my freshman year of college. I was minding my own business, trying my darndest to look somber and apathetic, with my black ribbon necklace, gauged ears and platinum blond bob (all long since retired) when in walks the worst/best thing that ever happened to me...for anonymity sake we'll call him Sh*thead. I'll save you the boring sob story and cut to the end....boy meets girl, boy and girl fall deeply, passionately and inconveniently in love, boy rips girls heart out, girl rips boys heart out, girl becomes Lutheran, boy stays Mormon, girl refuses to ever raise her children Mormon (no they dont exist yet but I still worry about their well being) and on and on, break ups ensue over and over....7 years later and HERE WE ARE! All caught up are we? Good.

Any who....needless to say I'm obviously not over the whole thing...stop calling me bitter. I never realized just how deeply one could hate someone while loving them enough to want to die all at the same time. Quite a contradiction if you ask me. He was my worst enemy and my most trusted ally. He was my home, my safe haven, my comfort and my reason for breathing. I know, I know it all sounds very blasphemous but the heart wants what the heart wants. My heart just happens to want a stubborn Mormon. But I digress....

So! Why all this now? Why the blog, why the mourning over a lost relationship that was such an obvious disaster from the get go? Well, here is where the "belly of the fish" comes in. After much heartache, crying, Tylenol PM and wine, I finally decided to stop being so dang pathetic and break open my Bible and daily devotion. And THAT is where I found my answer, the reason for the torture, the meaning behind all sacrifice, pain and anguish.....I AM IN THE BELLY OF THE FISH! Before you think I'm some crazy bag lady let me explain. Even in our darkest hour, when we feel that the only things left in this life are solitude and heartache, God swoops in and reminds us that He indeed is taking care of us still. You see just as Jonah was rescued from the drowning waters of the sea and plopped into a stinky fish belly (not my quote..read Jonah 2 for more explanation) so have I been rescued from a fate much worse than my present state and plopped into stinky "no Sh*thead land" where things are less than appealing. BUT! I know the Lord is looking out for me, caring for me and teaching me patience while he prepares something (perhaps someone...stay tuned for that) that is far better than I could prepare for myself. And though this does not erase all the sleepless nights, dry all the tears nor completely restore my sanity, it does give me MUCH hope.

So....here I go again off into the deep blue yonder...err...dark stinky fish belly to embrace the life the Lord has prepared for me. We shall see how it goes.

P.S. I signed up for E-Harmony...stop judging me.... and plan on fully disclosing all the embarrassingly awkward details. Good night!