Crazy Town

So...I think I can safely say I no longer hold a roundtrip, non-refundable ticket to Crazy Town, though I do still keep a spare ticket in my back pocket, just in case. :)  This past year has been a doosie...TONS of changes, challenges, anxiety attacks, tears, fights...but mixed in with those times or darkness are countless moments of excitement, adventures, lessons, joy, answered (and unanswered thankfully) prayers, and little victories.  I feel like I have been drug through the mud, thorns, and over the gravel road....most of the time being pulled along by my own pride and stubborness.  But despite the scars and bruises I have, I feel renewed and strenghtened.  Not that swelling sense of accomplishment and excitement, but a calm, comforting grounding, like my feet are firmly stuck to the ground even if my body continues to sway in the winds of Life. 

I truly realized this the other night while B and I were walking back from class (we are taking a Chem class together....yipppe!).  B was telling me about a friend of his who is having relationship issues and how he had told him that he needed to take "the lead" in the relationship.  This immediately sent me into defense mode since many of the issues with Sh*thead involved the power struggle between the two of us and my belief that he tried too much to control me.  Long story short I proceeeded with a series of questions ultimately leading to the one real question on my mind: How did he think he was the "leader" in our relationship.  I prepared for his answer of "I make all the decisions," or "the buck stops here" or "you do as I say" lacing up my boxing gloves for a Level 11 reaction (as Sh*thead once said).  As I grew red in the face, he looked down at me and said "I pray with you when you cry."  I immediately deflated.  He leads our relationship because he prays with me, because he prays for me.  I don't think I've ever felt more love for B then in that one moment.  I realize that he truly understands what Christ says regarding marriage in Ephesians 5:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

~ Ephesians 5:22-33

Letting go of the past and focusing on the blessings of my present and future...as well as the pain...that is how I rid myself of the roundtrip ticket :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

P.S. This blog post made me laugh aloud....and inspired me to write today's post. :)

The One

You know you've found "the one" when they...

1. Gleefully follow you to your mother's birthday party, keeping quiet as you attempt to run unsuspecting bystanders off the road because you're running 20 minutes late as usual due to the fact that you packed much too much into one day because you chronically overbook yourself in the hopes that it will help you get more done...when in fact it has the opposite effect. 

2. Smile and laugh while being forced to make birthday hats at your mother's 54th birthday party while your nieces run around screaming making it nearly impossible to have a conversation.

3. Think nothing of your seemingly weekly anxiety attacks, questioning of your purpose in life, and overall neurosis....telling you that they love you the way you are and "what's so great about being normal anyway?"

4. Frantically look for snacks when you've passed your patience point and start to get irrationally angry because you haven't eaten in far too long.

5.  Tell you you're beautiful when you have snot running down your face and puffy eyes from crying over something silly.

6. Pray with you when you feel like you can't go on any longer and remind you that all is possible with the help of God.

Love you B.  You are my best friend, my love, you bring out the best in me.  I hope I do the same for you. :)

I am convinced

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present

nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38-39

How fickle and moody creatures are we that we would search around aimlessly in this world for a happiness that is already assured?  How insecure, selfish and vain am I that I continually pine for the love and acceptance of others when the Creator of the Universe loves me personally, unconditionally and calls me by name through my baptism?  How fleeting and shallow are our emotions that things like work, responsibility and stress define our reactions toward each other?



(Image via Berthe Morisot.org)

I often struggle with "letting life in."  I take the minuscule, day to day stresses into my palms and cradle them close to my heart, showing my teeth to anyone who dares say I am not tormented.  Who are they to know the depths of my pain?  How could they possibly sympathize with what I'M feeling?

But then I sit back and realize that I am a tiny speck in the enormity of time.  I am one of a million who have shared the same pains, torments, intimacies, joys, laughs, loves.  They have cried the same tears, barked the same harsh words, caressed their loved ones with the same gentle touch.  They have struggled against the same vices, freely handed over the same parts of themselves, and fought the same battles to regain the pieces.  They have been tied down by the same sins, over and over and over again.  Reminded daily, just as I am, of the same inadequacies, failures, regrets. 

They have a gift that is freely offered to them daily, just as I do.  A gift that does not only give, but rather takes away, washes clean, redeems and wipes clear the slate of our past, present and future.  I am a creature so inadequate in my own abilities to even remain sane some days it seems.  But I am also a child who is loved by One who's love is so powerful and complete that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from it and this gives me much hope.

Have a wonderful week!

After the Storm

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

~Mumford and Sons

I gave him my body, thinking it would protect my heart.  I loved him passionately, thinking it was true, that the fire, the tears, the heartbreak meant that it was real.  I ignored the warning in my heart and soldiered on into the dark place where he and I could be together, standing strong against the world, against God.  No one understood our love.  I let his approval, his loyalty, his judgements define the person I was.  I was young, reckless, inexperienced.  In search of something different, uncommon, unique.  I ran away from what I knew was right into the arms of someone, something that would forever change me.  When the passion, fire, love came to an end the recklessness remained.  I clung to his memory thinking that anything else would betray him.  All chances at happiness, sanity, normalcy were quickly stubbed out by my unwilliness to move on.  Drama drove me, defined me, held me back.  I kept the Lord at a safe distance, far enough away to allow me to do as I pleased.  I became strong willed, independant, cold.  Numbness was safe.  Short lived, meaningless distractions kept me afloat.    

But you, I cannot keep you as a distraction.  My heart is mending, hardened as it may be, and beginning to open itself up to you.  You love me for my heart, not my body.  I keep my body from you to give you my heart.  You see me as I want to see myself....damaged but renewed, sinful but holy.  You let me be weak, irrational, cold...for a moment, then pull me to you and remind me what I am worth.  You and I, not against the world, but with God. 
   

Love you B.    

Ghosts

"You see, I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kind of bore me." 

Oh Ray, how applicable you are to all things in life.  It seems appropriate to write about the last couple of weeks as the recent events that have transpired are directly connected to how and why this blog began.  A couple weeks ago I found out that Sh*thead is getting married.....yep.....not even a year has gone by since the meltdown and he's already engaged.  Though I can't say I was surprised.  He's getting up there in years, Mormon, and has been ready to settle down for awhile.  I, on the other hand, could never seem to commit...perhaps it was God closing my heart so I didn't ruin my life...perhaps. Even with the lack of surprise I still managed to go into panic attack mode, at work, in my cube...fun :/  After drying my tears in my coworkers cube (she's female, she understands), I put my chin up, buckled my crash helmet, and congratulated him.  *Sigh.  Oh how I hate being the bigger person.  Then came the full spectrum of emotions.  I rode the rollercoaster down into deep despair, misery, regret, anger, jealously, thankfulness, and finally have arrived at peace.  Sadly, I was less than pleasant to B during this time even though I practiced full disclosure and shared all the details with him (something I've NEVER been able to do before).  I think being honest with him about how the "news" was affecting me helped me to realize just why it was affecting me so deeply and actually made me feel a whole lot better.  B was amazing, as usual, and just listened while I cried on his shoulder over the impending marriage of my ex...ugh I feel so terrible. 

His kind, understanding reaction to me telling him I was utterly miserable at the news has made me love him even more and truly see just what kind of person he really is....kind, gentle, understanding, selfless and confident.  Seeing those traits in him reminds me of how wrong Sh*thead and I were, how dramatic and painful our relationship was, and how far I have come since then.  The Lord has held tight to me and I to my Faith.  I refused to give in to the desires of the heart and instead chose the desires of my soul...to live in eternity with my Heavenly Father, not just do what makes me happy in this life to the detrement of the next.  I have become honest with myself, aware and accepting of my shortcomings while still striving to move beyond them.  And I am beginning to realize that happiness and love is something that should flow out of you even when it is not flowing into you.

Even if things don't work out with B and I, I am content in my relationship with the Lord and THAT will always be enough love for me. :)

"Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you."

Have a wonderful rest of your weekend!

Over the Hill and Under Control

In 7.5 days I will officially step off the top of the hill (i.e. 25) and begin my slow roll down to my 30s, 40s, yikes! 50s....! I must confess I was NOT happy to reach the top of said hill and had quite a hard time dealing with the fact that I was, at least, a quarter of my way through this life. However, surprisingly, 26...not so bad. Perhaps it is because my mental state is so much better than it was a year ago. I've made an effort to find outlets for my craziness, refuse to let my genetic oversensitivity (thanks Mom!) take over, and try to remember my purpose in this life (to serve the Lord). Or perhaps I've just come to terms with the fact that I will get old and maybe, just maybe my genetics (thanks again Mom!) will hold up and I won't look like an overwashed bag of skin. Now the real question that remains is what to get myself for my bday :) A few ideas....

Proenza Schouler Boots (or a similar pair that wont run me $700)

(Via Cupcakes and Cashmere)

A super sweet backpack for B's and my next trip to Russian River

A quaint little 2 bed 1 bath with white washed wood floors and plenty of natural light

Maybe in my dreams... :)

(Via Design to Inspire via Cup of Joe)

In my life....

Happy Monday! I should preface this post by asking for your forgiveness ahead of time for the mushiness :) With the fog creeping along the highway, winding in and out of the withered, leafless trees, Alan Jackson singing "Livin on Love" on the radio, and a weekend just passed filled with friends, food, and fun...I couldn't help it. Looking back on my first few posts, it amazes me how far the Lord has brought me in such a short time. Not that I think all my woes are gone and things will be peachy keen for the remainder of this life. Believe me, I know myself better than to think that the path of sanctification will not be ridden with potholes, berry bushes, and cliffs. However, He has restored in me a hope that I had lost, or nearly lost, after my last run in with Sh*thead. With that in mind, and a wonderful Sunday sermon still filling my thoughts (which subsequently added a new book to my reading list), I must share the 5 things that currently make me smile about B.

He....
1. Is frustratingly honest
2. Uses the word "manlaw" at least once a day
3. Won't eat pork because pigs "eat their own poo"
4. Has at least one hair chronically out of place
5. Can cross one eye and insists on calling me "sugar" when doing so

P.S. Don't you love the Beatles?!

Full tummy, quiet mind

Aaaah the end to another successful day! By successful I mean I didn't cry, call the ex or rip anyone's head off and lay my eggs in their neck. In all seriousness though, I was able to get some work done, spent time with some wonderful children (Sac Area Emergency Housing Center...check it out) and had some goood food with fantastic friends. Now I'm plugged into Adele making my way home to my hobbit hole via the bus (I'm lessening my carbon footprint :p). Oh! And I got to have lunch with an old friend from college. It's only been a couple of weeks since "the incident" (complete and utter meltdown over the ex) but I feel that I am getting stronger and stronger and saner and saner each day.

So...I promised to share the details of my online dating adventure. In keeping with this promise I received a few emails or what "the site" (we shall refer to E-Harmony as such to keep the bile from rising into my throat) calls communications. And...I actually responded, which is a huge step for me. My normal approach to dating includes keeping my head down when walking, avoiding eye contact and running away when approached. This may explain my affinity with Sh*thead (see previous post). He was one of the few brave souls who actually had the gall to approach such an awkward duck. Anyway we shall see how it goes. There is one strapping young lad who works as a missionary, with a nice face and a head full of dark locks...I've got my eye on him, but don't be silly enough to think I'll actually make the first move. Even if the move is as small as sending over some follow-up questions (I still don't understand this whole matching thing).

As Adele so brilliantly puts it...."when night comes and I'm on my own, you should know I chose to be alone." Oh Adele how I love thee! Let me count the ways!