Oh Ray, how applicable you are to all things in life. It seems appropriate to write about the last couple of weeks as the recent events that have transpired are directly connected to how and why this blog began. A couple weeks ago I found out that Sh*thead is getting married.....yep.....not even a year has gone by since the meltdown and he's already engaged. Though I can't say I was surprised. He's getting up there in years, Mormon, and has been ready to settle down for awhile. I, on the other hand, could never seem to commit...perhaps it was God closing my heart so I didn't ruin my life...perhaps. Even with the lack of surprise I still managed to go into panic attack mode, at work, in my cube...fun :/ After drying my tears in my coworkers cube (she's female, she understands), I put my chin up, buckled my crash helmet, and congratulated him. *Sigh. Oh how I hate being the bigger person. Then came the full spectrum of emotions. I rode the rollercoaster down into deep despair, misery, regret, anger, jealously, thankfulness, and finally have arrived at peace. Sadly, I was less than pleasant to B during this time even though I practiced full disclosure and shared all the details with him (something I've NEVER been able to do before). I think being honest with him about how the "news" was affecting me helped me to realize just why it was affecting me so deeply and actually made me feel a whole lot better. B was amazing, as usual, and just listened while I cried on his shoulder over the impending marriage of my ex...ugh I feel so terrible.
His kind, understanding reaction to me telling him I was utterly miserable at the news has made me love him even more and truly see just what kind of person he really is....kind, gentle, understanding, selfless and confident. Seeing those traits in him reminds me of how wrong Sh*thead and I were, how dramatic and painful our relationship was, and how far I have come since then. The Lord has held tight to me and I to my Faith. I refused to give in to the desires of the heart and instead chose the desires of my soul...to live in eternity with my Heavenly Father, not just do what makes me happy in this life to the detrement of the next. I have become honest with myself, aware and accepting of my shortcomings while still striving to move beyond them. And I am beginning to realize that happiness and love is something that should flow out of you even when it is not flowing into you.
"Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you."
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you."
Have a wonderful rest of your weekend!
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