Farewell to Kotido!

8/12/13

Today was our last work day in Kotido and we are all feeling quite sad about it. It has been such a joy working with For One Another and MAP and getting to know the villagers.  This morning began with a trip to the Sand Dam site where we carried more rocks on our heads (total pros by now), ate some type of grain straight off their crops (I haven't died yet), and watched them use the rocks we had moved to mix and pour cement!  Carrie also received a marriage proposal from one of the villagers. Apparently he has a lot of cows...

After we headed back to Nakosoburin to distribute 10 more filters before going back to Brenda's for more rice, beans, and eggplant. :). We are all definitely exhausted from the work and though this  experience has been one of the most amazing of my life, I believe I am finally ready to go home. 

A bit of a side note but, one of the best parts of the trip for me has been waking up before the sunrise each day and stepping out of our hut to journal and read the tattered Bible the hubby sent with me.  Below are a couple of verses that felt quite appropriate for the last two weeks.  

"When trouble comes your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

~ James 1:2-4

"Do not love the world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave."

~ 1 John 2:15-17

Safari!

8/10/13

Safari Day!!! We drove the 2.5 hrs to Kipedo National Park and were lucky enough to see warthogs, antelope (they run like bunnies!), water buck, water buffalo, giraffes, baboons and even a herd of elephants! It is truly beautiful here and the vegetation seems much more lush than the Kotido area. It was a bit of a culture shock today at the lack of chivalry here at times but perhaps we are just tired and our behinds too sore from so much four-wheeling with the Land Cruiser in the bush. :/

8/11/13

Rest day! A day to relax was much needed so we attended Christ Church of Uganda in the morning (2.5 hrs of it...) and then had lunch with Brenda before heading to the market in Kotido. We picked up lots of beautiful wraps we had been seeing all over town and other homemade goodies.  We rested in the evening with beers and reflected on our trip so far. We have been so so busy it had been hard to process it all. I still cannot believe I am here! Around 6pm we were starved so we all begged our host Charles to make us chipati (thick crepes) and French fries. We are all starting to get a bit homesick and are really starting to miss the variety of food at home since rice, beans, and eggplant (delicious!) have been our staple diet here. Oh how I miss cheese!

Challenges

8/9/13

Today after dropping the MAP folks off at the Sand Dam we visited the village Nakosoburin that had received filters last year to clean out their filters and review maintenance and hygiene with them.  As the women brought their filters to us it was disheartening to see that some of the buckets or filters had broken and were unusable. These people have nothing and even the small help they do have is now unusable. We were unaware of the issues so had no supplies to replace their buckets or fix their broken filters. All we could do was clean the dirty filters and take down the names of those who were in need of replacements.  The problem we faced was if we replace some we may have to replace them all to avoid jealously and the type of message it sends to all those who took such good care of their supplies. So frustrating!  Even with my meager salary I could end so much hunger and suffering in this village and yet, what good does a handout do but create a codependent culture? The children whose faces remind me of my nieces, nephew and Goddaughters, look at you with their swollen bellies and tell you they are hungry and yet, you have nothing to offer them. Some days I wish I could take them all away from this place. 

Kotido continued...

8/5/13

Today was our first day in the field. We spent the morning with MAP having a short devotion and then going over the days plans. The village we visited first is where we will be constructing the Sand Dam.  Their crops are already struggling and it is still wet season so a Sand Dam Is extremely necessary. The people were fairly primitive but organized and very curious about us. They call us muzungas (white people) haha. The children are sweet but obviously malnourished with big bellies protruding and prominent cheek bones. Many of the women have scarification on their faces in beautiful patterns. We are told this means they are married. After the meeting we went to the site of the river where the Sand Dam.  The people had agreed to the Sand Dam with MAP weeks earlier but all of a sudden we were mid argument with them over the dam. Apparently an old women across the river was concerned that her maize would be destroyed by flooding. Another woman was wailing and crying for reasons that still remain unknown. After about 2 hours we finally came to an agreement to build the dam. Thank God!  MAP is really amazing with the villager and so patient. After finishing up at the new Sand Dam site we visited a completed one and then were off to dinner to eat and eat and eat some more. Starved!

8/7/13

For the last two days we have been visiting villages that will receive either water filters or a Sand Dam. Yesterday we spent the morning drilling holes in 30 of the buckets for the filters by hand. We all huddled in the tiny kitchen in the back of the MAP office and heated the plastic enough to make it easier to drill. We all have blisters all over our fingers ha!  So worth it today though when we met the village who received the filters. They were so kind a grateful to receive them! They clapped through Carrie's entire presentation and posed for pictures with their buckets and filters after we were done with the distribution. It still amazes me how little the villagers subsist on!  It really makes one feel like a glutton. :(  I wish there was more we could do for these people and it just makes me feel even more convicted to keep supporting the work that For One Another is doing. 

Before going to the village receiving the filters, we stopped by the village receiving the Sand Dam to help them start building. I swear those women are the hardest working people I have ever seen. They carry these enormous rocks on their heads half the size of their bodies like it is nothing!  Even the pregnant ones! They made small grass head cushions for us and we were able to carry rocks on our heads as well. I have so much respect for them after all the work we did and it was great to interact with the villagers. I feel like we were able to form a strong bond with them and earn their respect. Tomorrow we head back to the Sand Dam site and hopefully another village to distribute more filters. I hope to be able to post more pictures soon.

8/8/13

After dropping off Livingston (the Sand Dam engineer) and other MAP staff at the Sand Dam site, we headed to a village Carrie had distributed water filters to last year. Our main goal was to clean out the filters that may have become clogged and also see how the clean water solution was working for the villages and if their health had improved. We were greeted by the villagers under their meeting tree and proceeded down to the village.

It is truly amazing how fortified their homes are. They have these thick branches all intertwined and anchored into the ground to protect their individual houses, creating a very sturdy fence.  Each hut is constructed out of mud and sits low in the ground to keep it cool. The roofs are made from layers and layers and layers of stacked grass so thick it keeps the rain out. They are really quite beautiful. We were even able to go in one! I didn't think I was going to be able to squeeze through the tiny opening that served as the entrance haha. Once inside, as our eyes adjusted, we began to look around and spotted a bat hanging from the roof! Needless to say, we filed out as possible. 

We spent the remainder of our time in the village cleaning out all the dirty filters and reeducating the villagers on proper care and maintenance of he filters. It was good to hear from them that the diarrhea had lessened in the children after using the filters. 

About 4pm we departed and headed back to the Sand Dam site.  They had made quite a bit of progress and were just waiting for the trench they had dug to drain before pouring the concrete. Then we were off to Brenda's for dinner and showers. Perhaps tomorrow we will have water at our place!

Kotido

8/4/13

Today we arrived in Kotido after 6+ hours on an extremely bumpy road and one river fording.

Exhausted and sore!  There is no running water in the house we are staying at so we have been flushing with a Jerry can and taking wet wipe showers.  Today we walked around Kotido and stuck out like sore thumbs. I was a little nervous at first but out guides Innocent and Dennis were so amazing and made us feel very comfortable. There is so much poverty it is hard to see but the people seem to have good spirits. We were told just 10 years ago that 95% of the population had  guns, including the children. So much violence! But it seems much more peaceful now. We got to see an amazing ceremony with 7 of the clans if the Karamoja tribe. They danced with feathers and sticks and butchered 7 cows right there in the middle of it all. They invited us back to eat with them in the evening. I was happy we didn't go back though so I didn't have to eat the meat :/ The children here are so beautiful...so full of life and they love to see pictures of themselves. 

We came back to the house and napped then were off to the sliding rock. The rock has been worn smooth by all the sliding. So fun! Carrie, Anna and I all slid down together. Later, The children there acted out a play for us. :) tomorrow we go to see the Sand Dam in one of the villages. 

Kampala to Gulu

View from our room in Kampala

Well we are officially in Africa!  We arrived in Kampala Thursday night after over 30 hours of travel. I can't remember the last time I watched that many movies.  We drove through the streets of Kampala to our hotel and I must admit I felt a little nervous. There were people all over the streets at midnight and we stuck out like sore thumbs! Our driver was very nice though and we arrived at the hotel with no issues.  After 3 hours if sleep we were up again and headed out to Gulu with our friend Agnes from MAP International.  After all the travel the day before we were not looking forward to being cooped up again but we couldn't wait to actually see Africa!  We all piled into the van with our thousand pieces of luggage and were off. The streets of Kampala are a true assault to the senses. People, color, life everywhere with shops selling household items on every side and meat hanging raw in the "butcher shops." Women carry everything from baskets to firewood perfectly balanced on their heads men cut between cars, flying down the streets on their motor cycles.  We stopped on our way to pick up the Sand Dam engineer (a water collection system we will be building in Kotido) and got ourselves firmly stuck in the traffic of a massive market. We literally sat for over an house not moving as hundreds of people pushed between cars. The clothing here is so beautiful and color is not spared in the least. Made we feel quite dull in all my green and gray.  After sitting for what seemed like an eternity we turned around (I really don't know how we didn't hit the dozen cars smashed around us) and headed back to a gas station for the engineer to meet us. After picking up Livingston our engineer we were off officially to Gulu.  I managed to grab some sleep in between the massive potholes that jolted us awake.  Outside the city you can really appreciate the nature in Uganda. It really is the Pearl of Africa.  About halfway through our trip we passed the Nile river!  Green, green, green and then BAM! The most amazingly beautiful, overwhelming and rushing river I have ever seen. It is truly overwhelming. The water surges past rocks and trees. I can really appreciate why it is so famous. This place truly is the cradle of life. Shortly past the river we came upon a dozen or so baboons!!  I could hardly contain myself from squealing with excitement. The mommas walked along our cars with their babies hanging from them waiting for us to throw down the bananas we had purchased in the roadside market earlier in the day while the males boldly walked in front of our car daring us not to feed them.  Baboons!!! Right in front of us! I am in heaven :)  After what seemed like another eternity we arrived in Gulu.  The hotel is quite nice, minus the ice cold showers and we feel VERY safe.  After a quick rest we headed to the hotel to meet with the local Rotary club (Carrie is a member). After a nice but extremely long dinner (things move a but slower around here) we headed to bed and crashed for a whole 7 hours! 

Today we will make our way to Kotido where we will be doing most of our work. I can't wait to see what we will encounter on the way!

Baboons on the way to Gulu

The Nile river

View from our room in Kampala

Dinner with the Gulu Rotary Club

Uganda or Bust

The plane leaves for Uganda in less than 12 hours and I'm as ready as I'll ever be I suppose.  I am excited, nervous, scared, joyful, hopeful and curious, among 1000 other emotions.  I will try to update this blog as much as possible when I am over there and will be journaling when I am unable to post.  Please pray for our For One Another team that this trip is one where we not only provide clean water to those in need but also experience the grace and love of God.

Love,
Laura

I married an amazing man on June 30th....

.... Just thought you should know :)

XOXO

Burdens

"Stir up your trust in His infinite goodness and honor Him by leaving, in his hands, the care of your persons.

Be not troubled about the present or disquieted about the future, but be concerned only about the moment you must now live.

Do not let anticipation of tomorrow be a burden on the day that is passing.

What you lack in the evening the morrow will bring you, if you know how to hope in God.”

-St. John Baptiste De La Salle

I have been so remis in my posting lately.  It seems work, school, wedding, getting the house ready and 234215 other things have completely taken a hold of my life and attention.  It has left little time for the things in life that truly matter....relationships.  I am hard pressed to find time for my family and friends and most importantly God.  I am so distracted by planning for the future that I take little time to enjoy today and all the blessings it holds.  I have stopped taking time to sit and talk with God, to read His Word and meditate on the meaning of it.  I vowed to not let this hectic season of my life and all the changes that come with it completely overwhelm me and take my eyes off of what really matters but it seems I have fallen into the very trap I tried so hard to avoid.  Its time to take a moment, step back, and place my hope once more in the Lord.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Sneak Peak: Engagement Pics and the Story

Good morning!

Just got back from my Kaia workout and I'm not quite ready to crawl back into bed yet so I thought I'd catch up on my blog since I've neglected it for FAR too long.  So, to get you up to speed a bit.  As mentioned in my last post, I got engaged!  B and I are so happy and can't wait to spend our lives together.  Boy, it's been a doosey of a year with lots of challenges and changes but I can't wait for the road ahead.  I had promised to share the proposal story so here goes.

The Proposal
Last Christmas, one of my gifts from B was a set of three golden tickets (he loves creative gifts) that promised three backpacking trips before the year's end (still need to take two of them haha).  I got such a kick out of them that he decided to carry the theme on into this Christmas and incidentally the proposal. 

It was Christmas Eve and we had just gotten back to my place after a long, lovely day spent with each of our families.  The next morning was going to be crazy with church, breakfast with the fam, and gifts so we decided to exchange our gifts for each other that night.  I decided to go first and proudly presented B with what I thought was a gift that was FINALLY more creative then his (he always beats my in the gift arena).  He gleefully tore the paper from his seed starter kit (total gardening nerd), thumbed through his new Strong's Concordance, checked out the giant veggie seed packets I had gotten him and the proceeded to order me from the room.  Confused, I headed into the living room to wait for my gift to be "set-up."  I wondered what he was up to and racked my brain for things I had mentioned over the months, trips we wanted to take, or any other crazy ideas B may have gotten into his head (mind you...for Valentines Day, B had made my a paper macee heart with a bottle of wine inside, which sadly his brother ran over before he could give it to me...so nothing was out of the question).  Finally, I heard B shout for me to come back in, and I darted off to find what my creative gift would be.

I entered the room and immediately saw gold mistletoe hanging from my bedroom light and B standing on my bed.  B told me that this was a continuation of last year's gift and that he had hidden five golden tickets in the mistletoe for me to pluck out.  I had to pick them in order and give him a kiss after reading each ticket.  I picked out the tickets one by one...15 minute foot massage....backpacking trip of my choice....Norwegian waffles with wine...and the last ticket saved for after we got married.  It wasn't out of the ordinary for B to talk about marriage.  We often sat and dreamed of what we would do after we got hitched...trips we would take, where we would live, how we would raise our kids.  But I thought that actually getting married was still a ways off.  B wanted a better job, I needed to finish school, etc, etc.  As I looked down to give B his kiss, as requested after each ticket, I saw that he was on one knee and there was a dainty little gold band in his hand, strangely similar to the one's I had teased him with during our marriage talks.  My heart stopped as I realized what was happening.  NO WAY!  I tried to bite my tongue so I could hear all of the sweet words that were coming out of his mouth but all I could say was "really? really? really really really really?!"  Then, instead of shouting yes, as my heart wanted, I simply dived on him and began kissing his cheeks and kicking my legs excitedly (Not my most mature moment). 

Needless to say it was was PERFECT.  Just me and B, no big ta do, no onlookers, nothing more than comfy pants , golden tickets and a beautiful dainty gold engagement band. :)  I couldn't have asked for a better proposal or fiance for that matter. 

Alright, enough of that.  Below are a few of our (unedited) engagement pictures from this weekend.  My friend Danielle graciously agreed to take them.  Isn't she so talented!?

I hope you enjoy them!  Have a wonderful week!

Ring a Ling Ling

So...I'm engaged.  Weird, exciting, surreal....so many emotions I can barely stand it.  B, you are my love, my best friend, my silly man who makes me smile, laugh, think.  I can't wait to start the rest of our lives together. 

P.S.  I'll be sharing the proposal story soon!

Until then... have a wonderful Wednesday! :)

Waste Not Want Not

I always imagined that I would have a husband who would make enough for me to stay home.  That I would be able to buy a house after college, travel as I wanted, have a job I enjoyed, and plenty of free time.  That I would know what I wanted to do with my life and would be doing it....at least before 30!  But life has a way of throwing a big fat stick into your spokes and sends you headlong into a future that looks quite different from what you had originally imagined.  I look at the path before me now and see a family that will start well past 30, a house, perhaps, in my distant future, a future husband who may not make enough to keep me at home all the time, less travel, and more work.

Neither had I imagined however, the unexpected blessings that would envelope me in my late 20's.  The richness of the relationships that I would have in my life, that I would laugh nearly as much as I loved with my future husband, that my best friend would sit across the hallway from me at work and we would giggle daily at the stupid messages sent back and forth, that I would see, first hand, the work God would do in my life.  That my cup would runneth over despite all that I lacked in the world's eyes.

I look into my future and I just can't wait to "struggle" a bit by the world's definition because by mine, I have already succeeded. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

B, Birthdays, and Beer

This past month was B's birthday.  The big 28 whoop!  We hadn't gone out of town in ages so against my better judgement I peeled myself away from studying and we headed down to Occidental for some wine and beer tasting, Norwegian waffles, and breathtaking views.  I'd never been there before but, after seeing the views from the cabin we stayed in, I figured we'd find something fun to do.  Needless to say we will definitely be going back.  Occidental has all the charm of Napa or Sonoma minus the crowd (and the prices).

 Our Cabin

 View from the balcony.....gorgeous!

Birthday Boy!  Don't mind the noose behind his head.....

The Spread

He's a bit excited...in case you couldn't tell.

Happy Wednesday!!!

Indeed

Happy Wednesday!

Love or Something Like It

Have you ever read "A Cup Of Jo?"  If you haven't I suggest you hop on over to her blog and check it out.  She has lovely little tid bits on NY, fashion, babies, and my favorite topic of hers...love.  Here is a lovely article that, I believe, gives a realistic description of what love truly is.  Not the love shoved down our throats in romantic comedies, television shows, and books.  That kind of love is...well lovely.  But it's not realistic.  Love can be hurtful, selfish, disappointing, aggravating.  It can cause you to do things you never thought you were capable of, to say things you never thought you'd utter.  It can bring out the worst in you.  But...it can also teach you things about yourself you'd have never know if someone wasn't there challenging you...daily.  It can bring out the good in you, teach you the true meaning of sacrifice, compromise, and compassion.  It can take you to your wits end and bring you as close to Heaven as you'll see on this Earth. 

(via Snippet & Ink, via a Cup of Joe)

"When the Words Don’t Fit...." (via a Cup of Joe)

"My husband and I don’t have a great “meeting” story. We met in a conventional way and had a conventional wedding. And in some sense, we lead a conventional life.

But my husband has seen me at my worst, at my most vile. And he has seen me at my best. He knows the things I don’t tell anyone, and the lies that I tell everyone but him. I have made sacrifices for him and been angry about it. Sometimes his flaws are so egregious, so blatant, they are all I see. And sometimes his kindness is so stunning that I am humbled.

And that’s love. Big, epic, fairy-tale love. The kind of love people write about. The kind of love that could inspire a poem."

Love is a funny thing.  It's taken me 26 years to even begin to understand what it means to love and I've still got so far to go. 

Have a wonderful weekend!

Easy Rider

Have you ever had that moment when you realize you're a spoiled brat?  Haha.  Seriously though?  That moment when you realize that in all your life you've not met a single challenge that truly defined you, your faith, your strength or your fortitude?  A moment when you had to consider what your life was all about, how you had lived thus far and if it had been enough?  I'll admit, in my 26 years I have yet to have this moment.  And if I'm to be completely honest, I hope I never do.  Even the thought of it sends chills down my spine.  Would I be as strong as I think I am?  Would I have faith enough in God to get through it?  Or would I running crying and screaming in the other direction as fast as possible or fall into a weepy puddle unable to bear it.  The more I get to know myself the more I believe the latter to be true.  As sad as it is.

The picture below is what sparked my thoughts on this matter.  That and that fact that I have been challenged more than ever by trying to juggle work, Chem, and life (sad isn't it?).  I struggle to manage my time while the child below struggles to survive.  I woefully attempt to earn my second degree when this child will likely never attend school much less make it to adulthood.  I rack my brain for ways to make my life and career "more meaningful" while this child likely begs and pleads for a meal.  And yet many who have nothing have a faith and understanding of God that far surpasses ours.  What is this life we have created in the modern world?  One where our "challenges" consist of managing the stress induced by juggling our blessings? 

 

(Image via World Press)

In C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" he writes about facing challenges and the faith it produces after the death of his wife.  A man who many regard as a spiritual leader, vastly insightful on the subject of God and faith, with a firm foundation in the Gospel describes his faith as a house of cards.  If a man such as this describes his faith this way....what does that make mine?

"I already knew that these things, and worse, happened daily. I would have said that I had taken them into account.  I had been warned - I warned myself - not to reckon on worldly happiness.  We were even promised sufferings.  They were part of the programme.  We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accepted it.  I've got nothing that I had bargained for.  Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination.  Yes; but should it, for a sane man, make quite such a difference as this? No. And it wouldn't for a man whose faith had been real faith and whose concern for others people's sorrows had been real concern.  The case is too plain.  If my house has collapsed at one blow, that is because is was a house of cards... It has been an imaginary faith playing with innocuous counters labelled 'Illness,' 'Pain,' 'Death,' and 'Loneliness.'  I thought I had trusted the rope until it mattered to me whether it would bear me.  Now it matters, and I find I didn't... And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are not playing for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world.  Nothing less will shake a man...out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs.  He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses.  Only torture will bring out the truth.  Only under torture does he discover himself." 


I will probably never know the depths of my faith until I know true sorrow, pain, and torture.  I pray that it will never come to this for me; to see that my faith is indeed a house of cards, that my "confidence" is set on sinking sand and not the solid rock of Christ, that I am only as strong as my God and nothing else will get me through this world.  I have been challenged more in the past year than anytime in my short life so far and it has shown me the depths of my faith.  I wade out into the shallow water and begin to flounder.  I have yet to be thrown into the deep end of life, into real troubles, sorrows, challenges.  I pray to God that I will be smart enough to grab on to His life preserver and not keep hold of my own stubbornness, making my way to shore unprotected and alone.  But....

"....I must surely admit that, if my house was a house of cards, the sooner it was knocked down the better." 

My prayer today will be for gratitude, patience, faith and compassion for these are the things that will get me through life's challenges, come as they may.  

Have a lovely week!

Boo!

Happy Halloween!  B and I attended a friend's Halloween party dressed as Mary Poppins and the chimney guy (what's his name again? haha).  It was a blast and my homemade Butterfinger bars turned out great!  Thankfully because we definitely spent most of Friday night tracking down candy corn.  What the heck???



Have a wonderful week! :)

Need

So I should be studying but I've been meaning to write a post and have been putting it off for far too long.

I am currently rereading "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis and had an epiphany the other night regarding the issue of need.  A few months back someone had said to me that we cannot truly love God through our need for Him.  That if we are to know Him honestly and appreciate His glory, mercy and strength we need to love Him for Him.  Not for the things He provides for us or the pity He has on our wretchedness.  This is easier said than done as we are obviously sinful creatures who literally would not exist without Him and are damned to hell (to say it bluntly) without His mercy, grace and the sacrifice that He made for us on Calvary.  But it is an interesting concept to explore; to love someone truly for them and not for the things, whether they be physical, spiritual, or emotional, that they provide.  Though I know I will never fully love God for God, for I am far too steeped in my sinful nature, selfish and ever falling backwards after stepping forwards, climbing uphill in my sanctification, it is something I must consider in both my relationship with God and those around me.

Source: google.com via Laura on Pinterest

I think the easiest way to share my thoughts on need and human relationships is to share an email I wrote to B the other day. {I do this to him from time to time, poor man.  I freak out, write him a page long email, spewing all my thoughts of the moment at him and then go back to normal.  *Sigh* He's so patient, God bless him.}

"You’re going to think I’m crazy…well, you probably already do haha.  But, as you may know, I am a bit of a co-dependent.  A while back some had mentioned that we can’t truly love God if we love Him out of need.  If we need Him, the majority of our love stems from that need and we don’t love Him solely for who He is.  Well I think it works the same in human relationships.  You can’t truly love someone if you need them.  For example: I need water, therefore I have a tendency to take it for granted until I no longer have it.  It is only then that I recognize the importance of water.  So, I never truly loved water, I just needed.  I didn’t take the time to recognize how wonderful it was because I took it for granted.  Similarly with God, I don’t usually realize His significance until I “need” Him. 

I think my co-dependent tendencies have been taking a toll on our relationship lately.  I put so much emphasis on how our relationship is functioning (are we spending enough time together, are you treating me how I think I deserve to be treated, are we headed down the correct path towards marriage, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah).  So much of who I am gets wrapped up in the health of our relationship, what you think of me and where we are going that I can’t just love you for you.  I have spent so much of my life worried about what others think of me, vying for approval and trying to be perfect and perform how I think others want me to.  I’m so sick of it and it has done me such a disservice. 

Then there’s you.  You frustrate the hell out of me because you don’t need me.  You love me because you choose to, not because you need to.  Before it would drive me crazy because I would wonder why you didn’t seek my approval, but I am starting to appreciate it.  You started dating because you thought that’s what God wanted you to do.  Not because you needed a companion.  I trust your love so much more because it is not wound up in your own self-worth.  I have learned so much over the past year….SO MUCH!  And I am still learning.  I love you so much and I am hoping someday I won’t need you as much as you don’t need me :) haha

That’s all.  For now…"

It does make one wonder, if I didn't need God, if all was fine and rosy, if life seemed a joyful stroll down the street, a string of "things going my way," a path towards success and "happiness," what would He be to me then? Would He still my love, my God, my refuge, my reassurance? Would He be nothing but a nuisance because my self assurance lay in something or someone else?  When I have not been trampled on, disappointed, let down, when I have not failed myself and others, been hurt or damaged, I am easy to let His voice become faint.  For this I am sad, it is painful to think that I do this to One that I love, One who loves me despite my constant failures.  I like to think that I would love God even if I did not need Him but all I can do is pray to Him, to lean on Him in all times, good and bad, easy and difficult.  For He is love and mercy, righteousness and peace, strength and courage, and all things good that lie in me.  I think I could love Him even if I didn't need Him but you know, it doesn't really matter because I know for sure that He loves me even though He's never needed me and this gives me much hope.

Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble but I needed to get it out there...so there :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Candy Corn Dependance

One more week to Halloween...yippee!!!  Not that I am a huge fan of the holiday but I have a sweet tooth that could rival that of a child's so I am mildly excited for all the treats that will be lying in wait for me to eat. :)  It also gives me the excuse I've been wanting to make these....

Source: None via Laura on Pinterest

They're made with candy corn!  UMMM. YUM.

P.S. I had an epiphany this morning about co-dependence (hi my name is Lou and I'm a co-dependant...hi Lou! ha ha) and will be writing a new post regarding it later today.  Can't wait to finally get some of the incessant thoughts out of my head! It's been far too long!

Wretched

I had to share this post from Life Blessons....it's a goody.

photo by me :)

"Dark, but lovely."  Amen sister!

Have a wonderful week!