Ring a Ling Ling

So...I'm engaged.  Weird, exciting, surreal....so many emotions I can barely stand it.  B, you are my love, my best friend, my silly man who makes me smile, laugh, think.  I can't wait to start the rest of our lives together. 

P.S.  I'll be sharing the proposal story soon!

Until then... have a wonderful Wednesday! :)

Waste Not Want Not

I always imagined that I would have a husband who would make enough for me to stay home.  That I would be able to buy a house after college, travel as I wanted, have a job I enjoyed, and plenty of free time.  That I would know what I wanted to do with my life and would be doing it....at least before 30!  But life has a way of throwing a big fat stick into your spokes and sends you headlong into a future that looks quite different from what you had originally imagined.  I look at the path before me now and see a family that will start well past 30, a house, perhaps, in my distant future, a future husband who may not make enough to keep me at home all the time, less travel, and more work.

Neither had I imagined however, the unexpected blessings that would envelope me in my late 20's.  The richness of the relationships that I would have in my life, that I would laugh nearly as much as I loved with my future husband, that my best friend would sit across the hallway from me at work and we would giggle daily at the stupid messages sent back and forth, that I would see, first hand, the work God would do in my life.  That my cup would runneth over despite all that I lacked in the world's eyes.

I look into my future and I just can't wait to "struggle" a bit by the world's definition because by mine, I have already succeeded. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

B, Birthdays, and Beer

This past month was B's birthday.  The big 28 whoop!  We hadn't gone out of town in ages so against my better judgement I peeled myself away from studying and we headed down to Occidental for some wine and beer tasting, Norwegian waffles, and breathtaking views.  I'd never been there before but, after seeing the views from the cabin we stayed in, I figured we'd find something fun to do.  Needless to say we will definitely be going back.  Occidental has all the charm of Napa or Sonoma minus the crowd (and the prices).

 Our Cabin

 View from the balcony.....gorgeous!

Birthday Boy!  Don't mind the noose behind his head.....

The Spread

He's a bit excited...in case you couldn't tell.

Happy Wednesday!!!

Indeed

Happy Wednesday!

Love or Something Like It

Have you ever read "A Cup Of Jo?"  If you haven't I suggest you hop on over to her blog and check it out.  She has lovely little tid bits on NY, fashion, babies, and my favorite topic of hers...love.  Here is a lovely article that, I believe, gives a realistic description of what love truly is.  Not the love shoved down our throats in romantic comedies, television shows, and books.  That kind of love is...well lovely.  But it's not realistic.  Love can be hurtful, selfish, disappointing, aggravating.  It can cause you to do things you never thought you were capable of, to say things you never thought you'd utter.  It can bring out the worst in you.  But...it can also teach you things about yourself you'd have never know if someone wasn't there challenging you...daily.  It can bring out the good in you, teach you the true meaning of sacrifice, compromise, and compassion.  It can take you to your wits end and bring you as close to Heaven as you'll see on this Earth. 

(via Snippet & Ink, via a Cup of Joe)

"When the Words Don’t Fit...." (via a Cup of Joe)

"My husband and I don’t have a great “meeting” story. We met in a conventional way and had a conventional wedding. And in some sense, we lead a conventional life.

But my husband has seen me at my worst, at my most vile. And he has seen me at my best. He knows the things I don’t tell anyone, and the lies that I tell everyone but him. I have made sacrifices for him and been angry about it. Sometimes his flaws are so egregious, so blatant, they are all I see. And sometimes his kindness is so stunning that I am humbled.

And that’s love. Big, epic, fairy-tale love. The kind of love people write about. The kind of love that could inspire a poem."

Love is a funny thing.  It's taken me 26 years to even begin to understand what it means to love and I've still got so far to go. 

Have a wonderful weekend!

Easy Rider

Have you ever had that moment when you realize you're a spoiled brat?  Haha.  Seriously though?  That moment when you realize that in all your life you've not met a single challenge that truly defined you, your faith, your strength or your fortitude?  A moment when you had to consider what your life was all about, how you had lived thus far and if it had been enough?  I'll admit, in my 26 years I have yet to have this moment.  And if I'm to be completely honest, I hope I never do.  Even the thought of it sends chills down my spine.  Would I be as strong as I think I am?  Would I have faith enough in God to get through it?  Or would I running crying and screaming in the other direction as fast as possible or fall into a weepy puddle unable to bear it.  The more I get to know myself the more I believe the latter to be true.  As sad as it is.

The picture below is what sparked my thoughts on this matter.  That and that fact that I have been challenged more than ever by trying to juggle work, Chem, and life (sad isn't it?).  I struggle to manage my time while the child below struggles to survive.  I woefully attempt to earn my second degree when this child will likely never attend school much less make it to adulthood.  I rack my brain for ways to make my life and career "more meaningful" while this child likely begs and pleads for a meal.  And yet many who have nothing have a faith and understanding of God that far surpasses ours.  What is this life we have created in the modern world?  One where our "challenges" consist of managing the stress induced by juggling our blessings? 

 

(Image via World Press)

In C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" he writes about facing challenges and the faith it produces after the death of his wife.  A man who many regard as a spiritual leader, vastly insightful on the subject of God and faith, with a firm foundation in the Gospel describes his faith as a house of cards.  If a man such as this describes his faith this way....what does that make mine?

"I already knew that these things, and worse, happened daily. I would have said that I had taken them into account.  I had been warned - I warned myself - not to reckon on worldly happiness.  We were even promised sufferings.  They were part of the programme.  We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accepted it.  I've got nothing that I had bargained for.  Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination.  Yes; but should it, for a sane man, make quite such a difference as this? No. And it wouldn't for a man whose faith had been real faith and whose concern for others people's sorrows had been real concern.  The case is too plain.  If my house has collapsed at one blow, that is because is was a house of cards... It has been an imaginary faith playing with innocuous counters labelled 'Illness,' 'Pain,' 'Death,' and 'Loneliness.'  I thought I had trusted the rope until it mattered to me whether it would bear me.  Now it matters, and I find I didn't... And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are not playing for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world.  Nothing less will shake a man...out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs.  He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses.  Only torture will bring out the truth.  Only under torture does he discover himself." 


I will probably never know the depths of my faith until I know true sorrow, pain, and torture.  I pray that it will never come to this for me; to see that my faith is indeed a house of cards, that my "confidence" is set on sinking sand and not the solid rock of Christ, that I am only as strong as my God and nothing else will get me through this world.  I have been challenged more in the past year than anytime in my short life so far and it has shown me the depths of my faith.  I wade out into the shallow water and begin to flounder.  I have yet to be thrown into the deep end of life, into real troubles, sorrows, challenges.  I pray to God that I will be smart enough to grab on to His life preserver and not keep hold of my own stubbornness, making my way to shore unprotected and alone.  But....

"....I must surely admit that, if my house was a house of cards, the sooner it was knocked down the better." 

My prayer today will be for gratitude, patience, faith and compassion for these are the things that will get me through life's challenges, come as they may.  

Have a lovely week!

Boo!

Happy Halloween!  B and I attended a friend's Halloween party dressed as Mary Poppins and the chimney guy (what's his name again? haha).  It was a blast and my homemade Butterfinger bars turned out great!  Thankfully because we definitely spent most of Friday night tracking down candy corn.  What the heck???



Have a wonderful week! :)

Need

So I should be studying but I've been meaning to write a post and have been putting it off for far too long.

I am currently rereading "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis and had an epiphany the other night regarding the issue of need.  A few months back someone had said to me that we cannot truly love God through our need for Him.  That if we are to know Him honestly and appreciate His glory, mercy and strength we need to love Him for Him.  Not for the things He provides for us or the pity He has on our wretchedness.  This is easier said than done as we are obviously sinful creatures who literally would not exist without Him and are damned to hell (to say it bluntly) without His mercy, grace and the sacrifice that He made for us on Calvary.  But it is an interesting concept to explore; to love someone truly for them and not for the things, whether they be physical, spiritual, or emotional, that they provide.  Though I know I will never fully love God for God, for I am far too steeped in my sinful nature, selfish and ever falling backwards after stepping forwards, climbing uphill in my sanctification, it is something I must consider in both my relationship with God and those around me.

Source: google.com via Laura on Pinterest

I think the easiest way to share my thoughts on need and human relationships is to share an email I wrote to B the other day. {I do this to him from time to time, poor man.  I freak out, write him a page long email, spewing all my thoughts of the moment at him and then go back to normal.  *Sigh* He's so patient, God bless him.}

"You’re going to think I’m crazy…well, you probably already do haha.  But, as you may know, I am a bit of a co-dependent.  A while back some had mentioned that we can’t truly love God if we love Him out of need.  If we need Him, the majority of our love stems from that need and we don’t love Him solely for who He is.  Well I think it works the same in human relationships.  You can’t truly love someone if you need them.  For example: I need water, therefore I have a tendency to take it for granted until I no longer have it.  It is only then that I recognize the importance of water.  So, I never truly loved water, I just needed.  I didn’t take the time to recognize how wonderful it was because I took it for granted.  Similarly with God, I don’t usually realize His significance until I “need” Him. 

I think my co-dependent tendencies have been taking a toll on our relationship lately.  I put so much emphasis on how our relationship is functioning (are we spending enough time together, are you treating me how I think I deserve to be treated, are we headed down the correct path towards marriage, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah).  So much of who I am gets wrapped up in the health of our relationship, what you think of me and where we are going that I can’t just love you for you.  I have spent so much of my life worried about what others think of me, vying for approval and trying to be perfect and perform how I think others want me to.  I’m so sick of it and it has done me such a disservice. 

Then there’s you.  You frustrate the hell out of me because you don’t need me.  You love me because you choose to, not because you need to.  Before it would drive me crazy because I would wonder why you didn’t seek my approval, but I am starting to appreciate it.  You started dating because you thought that’s what God wanted you to do.  Not because you needed a companion.  I trust your love so much more because it is not wound up in your own self-worth.  I have learned so much over the past year….SO MUCH!  And I am still learning.  I love you so much and I am hoping someday I won’t need you as much as you don’t need me :) haha

That’s all.  For now…"

It does make one wonder, if I didn't need God, if all was fine and rosy, if life seemed a joyful stroll down the street, a string of "things going my way," a path towards success and "happiness," what would He be to me then? Would He still my love, my God, my refuge, my reassurance? Would He be nothing but a nuisance because my self assurance lay in something or someone else?  When I have not been trampled on, disappointed, let down, when I have not failed myself and others, been hurt or damaged, I am easy to let His voice become faint.  For this I am sad, it is painful to think that I do this to One that I love, One who loves me despite my constant failures.  I like to think that I would love God even if I did not need Him but all I can do is pray to Him, to lean on Him in all times, good and bad, easy and difficult.  For He is love and mercy, righteousness and peace, strength and courage, and all things good that lie in me.  I think I could love Him even if I didn't need Him but you know, it doesn't really matter because I know for sure that He loves me even though He's never needed me and this gives me much hope.

Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble but I needed to get it out there...so there :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Candy Corn Dependance

One more week to Halloween...yippee!!!  Not that I am a huge fan of the holiday but I have a sweet tooth that could rival that of a child's so I am mildly excited for all the treats that will be lying in wait for me to eat. :)  It also gives me the excuse I've been wanting to make these....

Source: None via Laura on Pinterest

They're made with candy corn!  UMMM. YUM.

P.S. I had an epiphany this morning about co-dependence (hi my name is Lou and I'm a co-dependant...hi Lou! ha ha) and will be writing a new post regarding it later today.  Can't wait to finally get some of the incessant thoughts out of my head! It's been far too long!

Wretched

I had to share this post from Life Blessons....it's a goody.

photo by me :)

"Dark, but lovely."  Amen sister!

Have a wonderful week!

Suede and Strips

I am dying for an outfit like this for the Fall....DYING! haha

Source: polyvore.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: singer22.com via Laura on Pinterest

Happy Wednesday!

DIY...or don't

Maybe if I start posting the DIY projects I want to do I'll actually do them?  Just a thought....

Source: granddesignco.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Love the color!

Source: twogirlsbeingcrafty.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: backstitch.tumblr.com via Laura on Pinterest

Genius!

Source: karapaslaydesigns.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Not sure if I have the guts to do this to my brand new Ikea dresser.  Thoughts?

Source: rockettstgeorge.co.uk via Laura on Pinterest

Over the headboard when B and I get married? :)

Thank God for Fish

I just realized it's been over a year since my first blog post...CU-RAY-ZEE!  Looking back, I cant believe how far spiritually, physically (Kaiafit <3..check it out), and psychologically the Lord has brought me since then.  I've moved out (once again) from the parentals house, met the love of my life, started down the path to nursing, and gotten in the best shape of my life, all in 12 short months.  Not that I think all my trials are past me...believe me I know there are many MANY more to come as life unfolds.  But, I feel that I have the faith and tools to get me through whatever life throws at me, God willing.

This blog has afforded me a space to truly express myself, house my inspiration, and share my faith.  Posting to it has become an important part of my routine, something I truly look forward to.  It has reinvigorated my love for writing and helped me to work though difficult situations and emotions.  When I first sat down one afternoon in July of 2010, teary eyed, heartbroken, beaten down, searching for an outlet for the pain, I had no idea what was in store for me. 

I called out to the Lord, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and you heard my voice.

~ Jonah 2:2

Because of one little devotional, supplied by God, my perpective on life was changed and my hope renewed.  I still have that tiny slip of paper posted in my cubical to remind me that when life seems dark, difficult, and meaningless, we may indeed be in the belly of the fish....
 
 

July 17, 2010

Rescued

To most people, being swallowed alive be a sea creature would be considered a bad thing.  And yet, in the dark and strange stomach of a giant fish, Jonah the Prophet gave thanks.  As frightened as he must have been, and as awful as the situation semeed, Jonah knew that it was, in fact, a rescue.  God snatched him out of the watery belly of death and plopped him into the belly of a great fish.

It makes me wonder.  How often, when life seems dark, stinky, and unfair, am I really in the "belly of a fish?"

God promises to hear our cries for help, but He never commits to send help in the way we'd expect.  In fact, our God specializes in unusual rescues.  Who else would have used grasshoppers, a snake on a stick, and stone in a sling to solve His people's problems?  Who else but our unusual God would use the death of His own Son to rescue His children?

Sometimes my bad situations might actually be deliverances.  God grant me the grace to recognize my surroundings, and, like Jonah before me, to give Him the glory when He comes to my rescue.

 Have a lovely week!

All That Glitters

I realize the posts have been a bit heavy lately.  Not that it's a bad thing.  After all this little universe is my outlet. :)  However, I thought it high time that I post something light...or rather sparkly.  Here are a few pieces of jewelry I've been ogling as of late.

Source: catbirdnyc.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: catbirdnyc.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: blog.lenacorwin.com via Laura on Pinterest

This set is PERFECTION!

Source: oliveandcocoa.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: bhldn.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: catbirdnyc.com via Laura on Pinterest

Have a lovely week!

Happy One Year B!

"This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you..."

P.S. Awesome gift B got me.  Don't mind the messy coffee table....

Crazy Town

So...I think I can safely say I no longer hold a roundtrip, non-refundable ticket to Crazy Town, though I do still keep a spare ticket in my back pocket, just in case. :)  This past year has been a doosie...TONS of changes, challenges, anxiety attacks, tears, fights...but mixed in with those times or darkness are countless moments of excitement, adventures, lessons, joy, answered (and unanswered thankfully) prayers, and little victories.  I feel like I have been drug through the mud, thorns, and over the gravel road....most of the time being pulled along by my own pride and stubborness.  But despite the scars and bruises I have, I feel renewed and strenghtened.  Not that swelling sense of accomplishment and excitement, but a calm, comforting grounding, like my feet are firmly stuck to the ground even if my body continues to sway in the winds of Life. 

I truly realized this the other night while B and I were walking back from class (we are taking a Chem class together....yipppe!).  B was telling me about a friend of his who is having relationship issues and how he had told him that he needed to take "the lead" in the relationship.  This immediately sent me into defense mode since many of the issues with Sh*thead involved the power struggle between the two of us and my belief that he tried too much to control me.  Long story short I proceeeded with a series of questions ultimately leading to the one real question on my mind: How did he think he was the "leader" in our relationship.  I prepared for his answer of "I make all the decisions," or "the buck stops here" or "you do as I say" lacing up my boxing gloves for a Level 11 reaction (as Sh*thead once said).  As I grew red in the face, he looked down at me and said "I pray with you when you cry."  I immediately deflated.  He leads our relationship because he prays with me, because he prays for me.  I don't think I've ever felt more love for B then in that one moment.  I realize that he truly understands what Christ says regarding marriage in Ephesians 5:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

~ Ephesians 5:22-33

Letting go of the past and focusing on the blessings of my present and future...as well as the pain...that is how I rid myself of the roundtrip ticket :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

P.S. This blog post made me laugh aloud....and inspired me to write today's post. :)

The One

You know you've found "the one" when they...

1. Gleefully follow you to your mother's birthday party, keeping quiet as you attempt to run unsuspecting bystanders off the road because you're running 20 minutes late as usual due to the fact that you packed much too much into one day because you chronically overbook yourself in the hopes that it will help you get more done...when in fact it has the opposite effect. 

2. Smile and laugh while being forced to make birthday hats at your mother's 54th birthday party while your nieces run around screaming making it nearly impossible to have a conversation.

3. Think nothing of your seemingly weekly anxiety attacks, questioning of your purpose in life, and overall neurosis....telling you that they love you the way you are and "what's so great about being normal anyway?"

4. Frantically look for snacks when you've passed your patience point and start to get irrationally angry because you haven't eaten in far too long.

5.  Tell you you're beautiful when you have snot running down your face and puffy eyes from crying over something silly.

6. Pray with you when you feel like you can't go on any longer and remind you that all is possible with the help of God.

Love you B.  You are my best friend, my love, you bring out the best in me.  I hope I do the same for you. :)

Pain continued...

I just stumbled across this poem while looking up another Kahlil Gibran poem on children.  Perfect timing for my previous post. :)

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Pain

"[Pain] removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul."

~ "The Problem of Pain" by CS Lewis

Someone recently said to me that we only grow through pain and difficulty.  Sadly, I have to agree with this comment especially since I have been particularly uninspired lately and shockingly haven't had too many challenges.  At first I thought that I had just gotten a handle on things but I've slowly come to realize that I was just ignoring the problems.  Hunkering down into my little world, away from trouble, responsibility, and accountability.  Now, while this lack of difficulty doesn't immediately seem like a negative I do see how it could become a problem...staying in this "little box of boring" as my best friend would say.  How can we grow if we do not challenge ourselves?  How can we move forward, improve, understand better if we never face conflict, hardship or pain?

Photo via me :)

I often wish that I could don rose colored glasses day after day, only seeing the beauty and joy in the world and avoiding the darkness, doubt and insecurity.  But pain reminds us of our shortcomings, inabilities and our need for God.  Often like the pain from an intense workout, lifting, stretching, pulling and tearing our muscles so that they can repair themselves and grow stronger.  This is how I see pain.  It can often seem like a never ending tunnel, an uphill trek or endless swim, but it does come to an end, eventually.  And when I resurface from the deep or reach the top of the hill I feel renewed and strengthened, ready to face the next battle, even beginning to welcome it.  Christ walked the long road with us, bearing not only the burden of our sins but also the knowledge of the pain he was about to endure....being nailed to the cross.  But he endured it nonetheless, welcomed it, because he knew it would bring about victory.  Why then should I hide from the pain?  Why then should I not embrace it, bear down and endure it?  I will let it shove me to my knees so that I may look up to God to pull me up.  And I will even more rejoice in the joys and happiness of this life and learn from the trials and tribulations because of it.

I am convinced

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present

nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38-39

How fickle and moody creatures are we that we would search around aimlessly in this world for a happiness that is already assured?  How insecure, selfish and vain am I that I continually pine for the love and acceptance of others when the Creator of the Universe loves me personally, unconditionally and calls me by name through my baptism?  How fleeting and shallow are our emotions that things like work, responsibility and stress define our reactions toward each other?



(Image via Berthe Morisot.org)

I often struggle with "letting life in."  I take the minuscule, day to day stresses into my palms and cradle them close to my heart, showing my teeth to anyone who dares say I am not tormented.  Who are they to know the depths of my pain?  How could they possibly sympathize with what I'M feeling?

But then I sit back and realize that I am a tiny speck in the enormity of time.  I am one of a million who have shared the same pains, torments, intimacies, joys, laughs, loves.  They have cried the same tears, barked the same harsh words, caressed their loved ones with the same gentle touch.  They have struggled against the same vices, freely handed over the same parts of themselves, and fought the same battles to regain the pieces.  They have been tied down by the same sins, over and over and over again.  Reminded daily, just as I am, of the same inadequacies, failures, regrets. 

They have a gift that is freely offered to them daily, just as I do.  A gift that does not only give, but rather takes away, washes clean, redeems and wipes clear the slate of our past, present and future.  I am a creature so inadequate in my own abilities to even remain sane some days it seems.  But I am also a child who is loved by One who's love is so powerful and complete that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from it and this gives me much hope.

Have a wonderful week!

Pieces

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

I have loved, I have hated, I have been broken, and broken those around me.  Little pieces of myself chipped off and handed over.  These empty parts of me, little crevices that once contained pieces of my soul have healed.  They have grown over and hardened.  But much like the scar tissue of a past injury, they still sear with pain unexpectedly.  A memory, familiar surrounding, situation, will cause them to scream out and remind me of where they came from, of who gave them to me. 



I used to think that to be truly past something or someone we must become unfeeling towards them, rid ourselves of any connection to them and soldier on into the future.  But these irritating little scars, painful reminders of a love lost will always pull me back, for a moment.

I made myself vulernable and allowed love in.  A love that chipped off the little pieces of me and allowed them to scar over.  A love that left me confused, irrational, insecure.  But a love nonetheless.  Was it worth it?  I don't think I'll ever be able to fully answer that question.

To love is to be vulnerable. 

Happy 4th of July

I hope yours was spent celebrating our freedom with the ones you love :)

After the Storm

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more.

That's why I hold,

That's why I hold with all I have.

That's why I hold.

~Mumford and Sons

I gave him my body, thinking it would protect my heart.  I loved him passionately, thinking it was true, that the fire, the tears, the heartbreak meant that it was real.  I ignored the warning in my heart and soldiered on into the dark place where he and I could be together, standing strong against the world, against God.  No one understood our love.  I let his approval, his loyalty, his judgements define the person I was.  I was young, reckless, inexperienced.  In search of something different, uncommon, unique.  I ran away from what I knew was right into the arms of someone, something that would forever change me.  When the passion, fire, love came to an end the recklessness remained.  I clung to his memory thinking that anything else would betray him.  All chances at happiness, sanity, normalcy were quickly stubbed out by my unwilliness to move on.  Drama drove me, defined me, held me back.  I kept the Lord at a safe distance, far enough away to allow me to do as I pleased.  I became strong willed, independant, cold.  Numbness was safe.  Short lived, meaningless distractions kept me afloat.    

But you, I cannot keep you as a distraction.  My heart is mending, hardened as it may be, and beginning to open itself up to you.  You love me for my heart, not my body.  I keep my body from you to give you my heart.  You see me as I want to see myself....damaged but renewed, sinful but holy.  You let me be weak, irrational, cold...for a moment, then pull me to you and remind me what I am worth.  You and I, not against the world, but with God. 
   

Love you B.    

Also Applicable to Life.....

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Happy Thursday

Waiting Life Away

When I get a new job...get married....have more money....have children....have time....have the patience....have....have....have....

These are thoughts are constantly filling my mind and spilling out of my mouth. I sit in front of my computer at work at watching the clock and waiting for 5:00pm so that I may finally enjoy the day. I wade through the week with eyes half closed and my mind foggy waiting for the weekend so that I may enjoy time spent with B, my friends and family. I move through life with an unrelenting desire to finally start living fully with a marriage, home, and children, a job I love and time to devote to hobbies.

So often my mind hearkens back to the past, my adolescence, when things were easier, more enjoyable, when there was more time for the things I wanted to do. Times when there were not constant demands, responsibilities, troubles, and heartbreak. I kick myself for wanting to grow up so quickly, for falling so irrationally in love without thought to consequence, for throwing away moments, friends, and morals without consideration for the damage I was doing to myself, my soul, and my ability to love fully.

And then after weeks of depression, aggravation, sadness, and impatience, I realize that I am letting so much of my short life slip by without even a thought to the moments I am in. I spend all my time in the past and future, longing to regain the freedom, innocence and ignorance of childhood and adolescence and waiting to finally live the life I have built in my mind. I spend very little time in the present, enjoying the work that I have to do daily, small accomplishments, joys, frustrations and failures, learning to live in this world instead of waiting for life to begin.

Photo via me :)

Time slips away so quickly and it is so easy to forget that we may not have a future or at least not the one we planned for. Similarly, the past sneaks up on us like a stalking lion and drags us back into memories and reminiscing…leading us to believe that it was so much easier, better, fulfilling way back when. But was it?

I am resigned to the fact that I am a dreamer, someone who always longs for the greener grass, for Mayberry, for black and white photos and simpler times. However, I refuse to continue to let each moment slip by without an acknowledgement of the little joys and frustrations that they contain. My life is now not 5 years ago or 10 years down the road and I am determined to be present in it.

Silk Obsession

So you know how some women ahem not me included of course... go through a baby craze/obsession/addiction around 25?  Though I will admit that my voice raises 100 notches into a whistle only dogs can hear when any baby is within 10 miles and I immediately start to imagine what mine will look like and all of the fun things I will teach them while simultaneously blocking out the horror stories of lack of sleep, poopy diapers, and fits as illustrated here, all my mommy friends share with me, I am not quite ready for little feet to pad around my life.  HOWEVER, lately I have been obsessing about what B and my wedding will look like.  Now this wouldn't be such an issue except that B has yet to pop the question and we've only been dating 9 months....details details.  I do love B and cant wait to marry him someday and not have to drive back and forth the 45 miles to each others houses but I think I can wait.  Therefore, we'll chalk this obsession and desire to fill all my Pinterest boards with wedding related items up to my love of style...and silk :)

Source: thesavannahweddingplanner.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: stylemepretty.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: citified.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: preownedweddingdresses.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: preownedweddingdresses.com via Laura on Pinterest

Have a wonderful weekend!

Patience

It's been a week and still no word on the house.  *Sigh.  Why must patience be a virtue and not a vice?  In the meantime I've found several other items that I crave for my future abode.

Source: ohhellofriendblog.com via Laura on Pinterest

DIY Mason Jar Chandelier

Source: madebygirl.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Watercolor pillows

Source: ohhellofriendblog.com via Laura on Pinterest

Doily Rug

Source: acquireboutique.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

DIY Light Bulb Terrariums
Have a wonderful and hopefully not frustrating week. ;)

Jump for Joy...hopefully

Yesterday I put an offer down on a house that I love love LOVE.  This being my third offer (the first two I was "significantly" outbid on) I'm more than nervous/anxious/biting my nails like a meth addict excited about the outcome.  This little lovely has a fig tree in the backyard, old school mirror like cabinet handles, crank out windows and lattice work all over the place...need I say more?  I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I can't help but dream about all the wonderful things that will (hopefully) live there one day.  Such as.....

A converted sewing machine dining table.  I've already got the base.  Now I just need a reclaimed wood top.

Source: ajoureblog.com via Laura on Pinterest

With these chairs.  Except not at $400 a piece....wowza!

Source: amazon.com via Laura on Pinterest

Delicious shades of grey.

Source: madebygirl.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Funky wallpapered bathrooms

Source: madebygirl.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: madebygirl.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

And fun painted paneling...since there's a wall or two full of it!

Source: madebygirl.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Source: madebygirl.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Let the frolicking commence!!!!  I hope....

Source: thehouseofmilk.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest